Absurd

I remember one day as a little child I was riding my bike through the wonderful park that was at end of my street. I must of been around 10 years old then. That park was huge! And by huge I mean that park had lots and lots of trees. It had 13 mile's of winding roads going all through it and it had a river and a lake. It is suppose to be one of the biggest parks that is inside city limits in the United States! .....So I was a happy little kid just then, riding my bike though there on a warm summer day. As I was coasting down one of hills in the park a station wagon passed me by. It was an old one compared to todays models it must have around 1960. There was a family in there, two adults and two kids in the back. They had dark colored skin. I was happy to see them drive pass me because I felt ..oh cool ... some other people were getting to enjoy the park on this wonderful day. It felt like I got to share the happy moment. So I gave them a wave and a smile as they were passing me. The little kids in the back smiled and started to wave to me and just as they did the two adults, Mom and Dad I guess, started to yell at them. They were telling them not to waving at me, then they.... the Mom and Dad looked at me and shouted out something really mean ...I can't remember what now. All I remember was I was devastated. I didn't understand. Why didn't they like me? What did I do? It really through this little kid for a loop! That ended my happy ride in the park and I went home and asked Mom what that was all about? I don't remember her exact words but it was something about that they have different color skin and that she isn't prejudice but that we have to live separate from them cause they were different or something.... They lived on the other side of the city. Well I didn't get it. It made no sense to me at all what that reason was. But she seemed not to be able to explain it any better. So she told me not to worry about it. And I pretended I did.

Interesting, that experience is still a memory with me at this age of 54. All I know was that what ever reason I was given seem absurd. But now from there, and I am sure there were other absurdities before then, I went on to experience the world and its absurdities This is the meaning from the dictionary = having no rational or orderly relationship to human life, so unreasonable as to be ridiculous .

...So was planted the seed of how life was to be lived. Little did I know at the time that the very fact that I was told not to "worry" about it created the very opposite in my life...when we create a blind eye to the insanity of the world ... we will live that. And in another way saying "not to worry about it" means to do nothing about it. So in a sense I was given the go ahead to live an absurd life...so I did! I want to say here that now I have no blame on my parents because that was how they were taught to live . As I see now the whole world was taught to live.

Process to I am special

I did this forgiveness thing before I wrote the Post design Of Being Special.


This was a cool one for me because I started out with one thing and ended up with the end realization.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated with I idea that I have to take care of my self.

I for give myself that I have accept and allowed myself to divert the process off of myself and onto others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to worry about others process instead of taking care of my ownself.

I forgives myself that I do this so I will not have to look at myself

I forgive myself that I have accept and allowed myself to not stand up to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am wasting my energy and exhausting my self by spending most of my time worrying about others process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to be frustrated because I have to take car of myself..example work make food take care of stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I should not have to do these things.. that I should not have to take care of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to too:
Be angery that we have to work
That I am lazy
That I think it is hard and a wast of time to take care of ones self

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste all this energy thinking of ways and reasons why not to do something than to just do it.

I forgive myself that I started with not worrying about being public with this SF and now I dont want to be

I forgive myself that ahhhh. ic that it is the mind wanting me to hide giving its stupid excuses.

I forgive that I have accepted and allowed the lazy program system to influence me so strongly.

i forgive myself that I have accept and allow myself to believe I have to "wait" to be inspired to take action.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think :inspireation " is God givin and I must wait for it to get things done
I forgive my self that I have accepted and a;llowed myself to live by the mind program

I forgive myself that I wait for something to feel like "fun" before I do it.

I forgive myself that I belived work to be the only "have to do" there for thinking I do not want to anything else for myself unless Its fun.

I forgive myself believing that I am so special that I should not have to take care of myself...even thought I do take care of myself I really hate it.

I forgive myself that I think that I am so special that God fucked up and gave me the wrong life! LOL hahahaha Shit that is funny!

hahah Oh shit! God gave me the wrong life!! Haha what a crock of shit that mind fuck was!! And
where did I come up with the idea I was so special????

Ahhh the Design of thinking your special!...Good one.

Learning the Difference Between the Mind and Life

See my life as what I was in the post I wrote before was programmed, I was living a program. My actions and reactions were all of the mind. I awoke as a baby and got plugged into the universal mind constructs, the mass humanity program. I have seen that everyone is equal here in there suffering, even the rich and elite. I see the "life" that people are thinking they are living is not life. It is the mind. We think we are what we are thinking, we think we are the emotions we are feeling and we think we are the actions that we do. This is a program. A program designed to keep us unaware of our true self and in slavery to the mind. Now there are two types of thinking. One is the program and everyone has it...and thought it is life and then there is true expression. And this is exactly what I am doing here by writing. I am getting out as much as I can see of the mind. I want to know in every detail of what I have called me and accepted as my life. Now understand this not about the things I did in my life. I am not ashamed of any of it. But it is now about getting to know the difference between taking action from the programmed mind and living life as true expression. So by writing about my life for me, it gives me away to see more clearly what the mind has manifested as my life. And as I see more clearly the tricks it plays ,the easier it will be for me to stop it, So digging out these treasures as I call it ( the mind fucks) and writing about them.....tells the mind I am on to you! LOL

So I will uncover more treasures as I go and put them down in writing. You can not let go of what you do not see.

The Design of Feeling Special

What I allowed Design of being Special to do to me:

This sneaky system I found was the hidden ruling mode of operation for me.

Now see .....I did not see this one running.....But It was the cause of All my misery.

I am seeing now that it was my feeling that I was special that I Blamed God for giving me this life. How could I be here? ME! Doesn't he or life or my parents or all humans know who I am!
How Dare I be put into such a life as this!

Because I thought I was specail... I ended up hating my parents. I ended up hating that I had to take care of myself that I should not have to take care of myself .I ended up wanting people to see I was specail hence the problem with wanting to be recognized the fear that I wont be recognized so I do not try to make a better life for me...what is the use of a better life if I am not recognized. The indulgence with "Poor Me". See my parents were not bad people, they treaded me the best they could...But they could not recognize me for who I am. And that put me on a self destructive Mission!.. This is a tricky one because people will say but it is good you feel special.......Thing is my feeling "special" turned into a search to be recognized for this..And in that search anyone I felt who did not see it I would be miserable about it, I would get depressed, I would stop wanting to take care of me and become self indulgent with self pity. And I would become Angry! I would not do anything Good for me.....Then I turned that into being a people pleaser,,,,If I could get people to like me , to see how wonderful I was....Maybe they could see I was special...see being special is a polarity....I could not give that to myself.....because then I am saying that there is being "Special" and there is being "Un-special!."....Total mind fuck!



This Design for me has been the cause of

Wanting recognition
Procrastination
Self indulgent behaviors
Self destructive behaviors
Self loathing
Unableness to give to myself
Looking out side myself
Feeling inferior
Self sabotage
Gloating



NOTE: My Brother is studying what is called Evolutionary Astrology. What I have uncovered here is what he has been calling a "Skipped Step" in Evolutionary Astrology. Now he had been telling me this for awhile about this skipped step. And it did me no good until I got to the Desteni Site and started to learn how to write and be self honest. Only now can I see how this skipped step has been running in my program.