I forgive myself for being angry at MYSELF.

I see that I have been having back chat anger at others and myself. Though I did not see it as anger until this afternoon as I just sat in bed feeling defeated by everything. I was in despair and then I saw that I had not forgiven myself for being angry at me.
All the projections of anger at others and the world – the way it is as unjust and unfair I have had my whole life. But I am seeing that it is me that has to change these accepted and allowed believe within myself. The true anger is at Me. The anger that I believed I am not good enough in the eyes of others where I will have back chat constantly arguing with people in my mind! Mostly defending myself for some opinion/point of view, or many different things.
I have not forgiven myself that I am a fuck up- that I am part of this mess. I actually think that I should be more superior than others and this is the secret anger I have at myself- that I am really not superior to anything! Lol So I have been secretly tying to find a way to be superior in my mind. The mind looking at ways to think to make me special. Then I know I am doing this and then I go into self pity at my lack of standing up to this- when what it really is – is that I have not forgive myself for being angry at ME. At judging me, at comparing ME. To something I perceive that I should be greater to or equal to something I perceive as superior
I FORGIVE MYSELF!- I am not perfect- I forgive myself for thinking that I have to be that- even to the point of thinking I should not think that! Lol fuck man.
Forgiving myself on believes I thought I had to be. I am doing this first without the statement that I have accepted and allowed because I am still blaming me because I am accepting and allowing it. So I am just going to forgive myself for not being what I thought I should be.
I forgive myself for not being perfect
I forgive myself for being mediocre
I forgive myself for not being beautiful and handsome looking
I forgive myself that I am addicted to energy thoughts of good and bad
I forgive myself that I am not standing up to the mind
I forgive myself that I am not perfect and I forgive myself that I think I want to be perfect thus causing me great misery.
I forgive myself that I am accepted and allowing myself to think I need to be better than others
I forgive myself that I think that there is some kind of spiritual reward for being better than others in thought.
I forgive myself for being angry at Me for not being perfect.
I AM DONE With this Self Anger!
Within the anger I go into self pity that I am not doing “it” right.
Doing what right?
Fucking everything.
Lol
I forgive myself for wanting to be a super human.
I forgive myself for comparing and judging myself to an idea of a super human.
These are all the thing I have “admired” in another and believed “qualities” I did not have.
Thus constant comparison to others as how I “should” be.
Thus never living HERE in and as the Physical- but always in judgment in my mind.
I forgive myself for wanting to be better than others
I let go of ALL these judgments against myself and others.
I am tired of wanting to be right and better and not living with ME.
I am tired of always thinking I need to fulfill some imaginary dream of better as constant self judgment.
I am tired of judging myself for not doing something good enough thus causing fear to do that thing.
I want to enjoy the process of ME I want to trust. I want to Live.
I want to stop looking to others to tell me what to do in fear that I need others to tell me what to do. In fear that I am not alive – not here. Not good enough to know what to do.
I want to trust ME- I want to Love Me without comparison. In loving me I mean Love Life as We are the vehicle of Life. I want to Love Life as I would wish to be loved. Love thy neighbor as Life- Animals, planet, people.
I forgive myself that I am angry at me- I forgive myself in humbleness of the belief of better than

Time and Accomplishment

Noticing the “I want to do” this and not that…

And when I am doing something I don’t want to do I create stress and the body is letting me know it.

It is another form of separation and not being HERE, not being as breath in the moment. I have been using time as an excuse to get into stress, as I am always judging what I am doing against the time I “think” I have. I am making a big deal with time thinking it is real and letting the idea of time direct me, instead of being Present Here with what ever I am doing. I am missing the moment by believing in time.

I forgive myself that I look at the clock to decided how I will run my day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my idea of time.

I forgive myself that instead of being HERE – Presant in the moment I am always thinking ahead of what I want to do or needs to be done, thus Not HERE NOW.

I forgive myself that I have judged myself because of my believe of “time”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the thought of I don’t have enough time to do this or that and then I get into stress and self judgement.

I forgive myself that I have been living a life directed by the idea of time thus rushing or judging myself as not enough time.

I forgive myself that I have believed that I am TIME. Meaning there is a beginning and an end thus judging myself according to that.

I forgive myself that I list all the things I have to do and put in into a “time table” and run my life from the time table instead of being present HERE

I forgive myself that I believe time is important thus it runs my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in time staying in the idea of there is not enough of it. Thus keeping me in a future projecting of “getting things done” and seeing me in the future of I will be glad when this is done instead of being present HERE As Me in the Moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the present as an outcome of a future.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define and believe that my life is defined to what I have accomplished

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself if I feel I have not accomplished something during the day and evaluate myself on what I have accomplished during the day as being good or bad thus living as an idea of polarity as good or bad day.

Ah, this is interesting because I see that I have used alcohol to give me the excuse to be HERE, as when I drank I would relax and not judge myself, so the alcohol was used to suppress the idea that I had about thinking I had to accomplish something…

I see now that ever since I stopped drinking I have become more active in the sense that I get a lot more done… thou I have made it as a “have to do it” out of self judgment… of this idea that life is lived to accomplish thus doing everything out of fear of judgement as the idea of accomplishment that now I would be “worth” something.

Breath

I am so glad I finally faced this. I was having body assistance with being short of breath and getting dizzy often that was causing fear. I kept saying okay the body is showing me something. I knew it was because I was not being present but I did not know what was directing that. Now I see it was the fear of not accomplishing enough was so great that I actually hold my breath often during the day out of self judgment! And I noticed that I actually felt physically better when I was drinking to relax, and so I investigated that to see that it is the idea of “time” and accomplishment.

And Matti’s post on organic body help also. To get present I need to remember to stretch and take time with the body, to enjoy the body instead of avoiding it so much.

Give yourself the present of being PRESENT – BREATH.