Saturday, January 26, 2008

My Indulgent Mind Life

Well....I was almost hyperventilating I realized I have to write this for myself...
I had no Idea I would ever be sharing this with the world. I was okay and I even was proud of myself in my mind thinking I was kinda "cool' to have experienced this stuff in my life! But I see now that was my program encouraging me to be totally fuck up! Let me tell you now..That after all this ,what I thought was a "full experience of life" It left me totally disillusioned, unsatisfied and depressed.,,, And now I don't even know where to start........
Should I start when I was a strip dancer In NYC or
When I use to fall in love with the girls on the TV Movies..And then later was told there is a name for that..Lesbian..And it is an abomination Of God.
OR. ...When I tried to save a drug addict by doing drug with him..and he later beat the crap out of me, and an ambulance just happened to drive by me on the street and pick me up in unconsciousness , so I awoke up in the hospital then he came to the hospital to and tried to kill me...
Hmm maybe the story of a Hermaphrodite I met while I was on Acid and took him, her home with me and had a 9 month relationship from HELL which included guns and knives to my head while being asked if I loved him.her....How about the time I stole liquid Valium from the hospital I worked at and shot it up and convinced a friend of mind to do it. And kept doing it. Or the Time I did so many drugs and alcohol that I woke up on the collage grounds out side in the morning as the kids were stepping over me going to class cause I was in there way.....The time I was high on something and accidental hit a dog on the road,,but did not stop to help it...The time when I was a young girl riding my bike in the park and a black family drove by and I waved thinking I was sharing this wonderful day with them and then the parents yelled at there kids not to wave back and gave me a horrible look..I was wondering why they didn't like me...Or all the times I tried to express myself to my Mom and she said children should be seen and not heard....How about the time I went to the Ramtha School of Enlightenment..That wasn't as self least I was l0oking for answers and a solution to the nightmare of this existence.
Well this is just what comes to mind I have to do some self forgiveness here because this is NOT feeling very good right now..Oh Man!.......... Okay I am going to forgive myself....I think that was the Thrill seeker Program.!!... I guess this is the start of self see all the destructiveness I have allowed...and actually I lot of the times I called it "fun". It was fun because I thought I was beating the "odds" always so close to death. I use to brag that I lived on the edge... I want to see how far I could go...See that made me feel special..I did not feel special. So bragging about that did.
I see I have open up a gallon of worms here! And I think if I am to do this process fully I have to go over every little and big thing. So I will take these things in later posts one at time and see what I have allowed and thought was me.