Thursday, December 10, 2009

The How of Reget Part 2 Facing "It is too late"

the ‘Why’ is like Wine: it intoxicates, it is not worth drinking from the ‘Wine’ of ‘Why’, where you´re always uncertain – Yes, in ‘How’, you´re going to find out how little you Really Understand, but that´s Self-Honest

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Me and Anger

All the anger I had in me was because things were not going my way. How I thought they should go. I became angry at everyone and everything in existence. I became angry at all the unfairness and suffering that was going on, and all the people that did not see it or give a shit. I became angry at the egotistical and then the weak for not standing up. I hated this existence.
I thought by separating myself from it, I was not it.
Separation was not the answer as I grew more and more depressed. And did not understand until Desteni explained the state of existence and why.

Boy... that has changed as now I see ME as As it all and ALL the self forgiveness that I needed to do. And humility as come, some times the wait of it felt like it would crush me. This is still in me, though I am releasing these points. And the anger is a tool to see what we are separating ourself as and from.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Original starting point of separation.

Original starting point of separation.

why the world is so unfair and there is so much abuse to ourselfs and others and nature?

why this is still going on with humans that we fight and kill each other after sooo many life times, after so many examples in history of what power and greed do , and we still do it? And we still do and allow it?

The answer is ---

Life is fucked up for one reason... We want to be special. Which creates spite and spiteful actions towards yourself and others.

Watch your thoughts. Watch the things that make you resentful or sad or angry or judging, frustration, or even the opposite of the coin, happy, blissful etc … It all has to do with the idea of being Special.

Underneath all of these emotions that we experience you will see that you were Not feeling special and if you were feeling or thinking you were special notice how fast that feeling will leave and then you fight within yourself to get it back
Think of EVERY atrocity that has ever been done. What do you think the starting point was… Wanting to be special.

This idea starts as a kid to the end of our life. Fighting to be special. And then we die at the old age and wonder if we were special to someone or something. NEVER BEING HERE.

All the religions were then started to support the idea of being special.

This has got to stop. There is no specialness on Oneness.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

"comparison" shit

This whole thing that I am doing "judging" myself
is simply "comparison" shit.
As I look out at the world or in my thoughts, I see that I pit myself against myself! lol
Well I believe that All I see and think is separate from me so then I compare myself to it as in where do I fit in to what I see. Am I better than what I see or less than what I see/think.
This is what the tree of life said to me.
And now I see "again" how extensive it is.

But this time within seeing that I am still doing it and I gave myself a good lashing for it! lol well I got mad at tired at me. I have "woken" up more to see it in the moments. Like now I am more observing of myself to catch this action/believe that I have always done and live as. And I stopped the anger when I see and it is like "oh you thinking that, okay stop I am not going to go there.
It was really weird to stop these judgments, I saw how attached I was to this defining of me as am I good enough to what I see or am doing. I felt... lost!! haha at first. Then I breathed and just was Here, and I was okay.
How strongly I held onto the idea that I need to define myself..

My melt down

wow, cool experience yesterday. it was like a purging as I allowed myself to be angry and did not stop it, as it unfolded to many areas of what I have been doing with self judgment of the "right thing to do" mind construct.

today I just feel, hm HERE with me and it is okay.
I can see that what ever I do needs not to have a right or wrong attached to it and I can just be me. Thou I "knew" this, i knew I was doing it, I guess the melt down, like solmaz said was my screaming of THIS IS ENOUGH. :)

It was I was judging that I was judging! And then could not stop it or see it.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Time and Accomplishment

Noticing the “I want to do” this and not that…

And when I am doing something I don’t want to do I create stress and the body is letting me know it.

It is another form of separation and not being HERE, not being as breath in the moment. I have been using time as an excuse to get into stress, as I am always judging what I am doing against the time I “think” I have. I am making a big deal with time thinking it is real and letting the idea of time direct me, instead of being Present Here with what ever I am doing. I am missing the moment by believing in time.

I forgive myself that I look at the clock to decided how I will run my day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my idea of time.

I forgive myself that instead of being HERE – Presant in the moment I am always thinking ahead of what I want to do or needs to be done, thus Not HERE NOW.

I forgive myself that I have judged myself because of my believe of “time”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the thought of I don’t have enough time to do this or that and then I get into stress and self judgement.

I forgive myself that I have been living a life directed by the idea of time thus rushing or judging myself as not enough time.

I forgive myself that I have believed that I am TIME. Meaning there is a beginning and an end thus judging myself according to that.

I forgive myself that I list all the things I have to do and put in into a “time table” and run my life from the time table instead of being present HERE

I forgive myself that I believe time is important thus it runs my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in time staying in the idea of there is not enough of it. Thus keeping me in a future projecting of “getting things done” and seeing me in the future of I will be glad when this is done instead of being present HERE As Me in the Moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the present as an outcome of a future.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define and believe that my life is defined to what I have accomplished

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself if I feel I have not accomplished something during the day and evaluate myself on what I have accomplished during the day as being good or bad thus living as an idea of polarity as good or bad day.

Ah, this is interesting because I see that I have used alcohol to give me the excuse to be HERE, as when I drank I would relax and not judge myself, so the alcohol was used to suppress the idea that I had about thinking I had to accomplish something…

I see now that ever since I stopped drinking I have become more active in the sense that I get a lot more done… thou I have made it as a “have to do it” out of self judgment… of this idea that life is lived to accomplish thus doing everything out of fear of judgement as the idea of accomplishment that now I would be “worth” something.


I am so glad I finally faced this. I was having body assistance with being short of breath and getting dizzy often that was causing fear. I kept saying okay the body is showing me something. I knew it was because I was not being present but I did not know what was directing that. Now I see it was the fear of not accomplishing enough was so great that I actually hold my breath often during the day out of self judgment! And I noticed that I actually felt physically better when I was drinking to relax, and so I investigated that to see that it is the idea of “time” and accomplishment.

And Matti’s post on organic body help also. To get present I need to remember to stretch and take time with the body, to enjoy the body instead of avoiding it so much.

Give yourself the present of being PRESENT – BREATH.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Family and Spite

Family and Spite

When I started to smoke cigarettes at age 13 I did it because I hated (harsh words but many times as a child I felt that way) my mother, so I did it to spite her.

She would say things like children should be seen and not heard, and “do as I say, not as I do”. This is what she said about cigarettes. So because I was angry with her for who knows what, she most likely said “no” to something I wanted to do. I decided to smoke to get back at her… so she would suffer and feel how I felt when she would tell me what to do. She would say no, and I would sneakily do it anyway. And really it was so I would die from it and –Then she’d be sorry!! Very spiteful stuff I had going on. Now as I write this I see that I had a death wish to spite her! Because what is the most terrible thing that can happen to a parent… that their child dies, or turns out to be a fuck up. This was my rebellion to the mother fucker (there is a post on Desteni about how the phrase mother fucker started) . I could not stand up to her because you don’t do that to mom. But I could see her most fear and become it. So I started smoking and then drinking and hung out with the kids she didn’t want me to, got into trouble at school. I was turning into her night mare, some one she was ashamed of… her wonderful, cute little baby, was now an embarrassment. Lol wow, didn’t really see how spiteful this all was on my part…

Here she was, just wanting to be a good little program and I wanted to destroy that.

So my spite toward her made me a very angry and sad person and with that I also spited myself as a part of me wanted to destroy myself as revenge to the world.

With in all of this, I did manage to have fun times, though they were mostly alcohol induced but at that time it seemed fun. I managed to get out of the house as soon as I could get work and make money to support myself. I did not want to get married and have kids… because she wanted me to, so another spiteful thing really, also I did not want to be like her.

Well now the smoking with the mother spite is really fucking with my lungs… as family is structurally programmed in the lungs. So all these years of smoking, my old starting point was of spite! Wow and shit!

I did quite a bit of healing on my mother using Louse Hays tapes, but I had fo got about the smoking and spiteful acts that I has done.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to use cigarettes as a spiteful act toward my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run my life as spite towards my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the idea of dying as spite towards my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self harm and self abuse as spite towards my mother to hurt my mother.

I forgive myself that I have wanted to hurt my mother and make her miserable because I felt that was what she was doing to me.

I forgive myself for purposely wanting to make her miserable like I felt she was doing to me

I forgive myself for all the hate I had towards my mother because she would not let me be and do what I wanted.

I forgive myself for all that spite that I became to purposely hurt my mother.

Shit… I was a real mother fucker to my mother…

I am sorry… what a hateful way to live and want another to live as that.

I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry to have treated another person in that way.

I forgive myself for wanting to hurt her and doing it as spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anger as live as that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful

Saturday, June 6, 2009

17. What does it mean to be a slave to consciousness?

Consciousness had probably be the sliest mental creation that has ever existed. Not only does it consider itself quite justified but together with global consciousness (called the unconscious) is able to direct anything that we participate ourselves in.

Today I have a few interesting facts to share with you which I gathered through hearing human beings' conversations here on earth and even communicating to them from the dimensions (considering they are consciousness) and what they have told me concerning who they are. We are pretty damn happy with our lives because our lives work. The fact that many children are being molested and the animal kingdom destroyed means nothing. We wash our hands of this. Secondly I was told that the entire world cannot take responsibility for each others creations because ‘we' did not contribute to these events. Each one standing looking only at his or her world as it appears, not taking into consideration what we contribute refractionally, energetically and consciously. Thirdly I was made aware of how far you will stretch the imagination when it comes to imagining that all is actually okay in this world. This statement of ‘all is actually okay in this world' coming from human beings' who' lives work for them and is not directly affected by the outer world outside which experience the consequences of consciousness manifestations.

The reason why I tell you about this is because I ‘speak' to many beings every day, perhaps you're not consciously aware when a being is sitting next to you talking to you because you've never experienced it before. I sit next to you (and so do millions of beings assisting here in 3D everyday) and I chat to your mind to see where we (as the dimensions) are able to assist you, giving insight or creating awareness.

When humans come up with justifications about separation and their apparent innocence that is where enslavement to consciousness comes from. The inability (or so you perceive) to actually realize that when you stand in oneness as we all do we share responsibility for everything in this world. We are one because in essence we have the exact same starting point within existence, we were created in equality and we shall all see each other returned as that whether you return to your understanding now or when you're dead.

So when people understand nothing about what is happening in front of their faces then we call it enslavement to consciousness. Consciousness keeps you trapped in one singular mind set, which is incorporated by beliefs, feelings, emotions, wants and needs which doesn't allow human beings to be clear on where this world currently finds itself and how this world's experience got to where it is today.

As long as you claim to be incapable of releasing yourself from consciousness then you are its slave. Consciousness to give you but a few examples plays out in the following ways as statements of who you are as consciousness: “But I cannot do this.” “It is not my fault!” “I feel something yet I cannot act or stand up to what is happening.” “No ways I love that person too much, please don't ask me to give up my thoughts or feelings!” Those are just a few examples of enslavement, when all you are able to handle is what you've already allowed.

Allowing yourself to only be limited by particular applications – enslavement, when you consider yourself limited you are enslaved. When you see yourself as not responsible – enslavement, when you say: “Oh but I can't or I won't” – enslavement. When you prescribe to particular laws about how to think, and experience who you are – enslaved.

Only you as who you really are is able to decide who and what you are to be, nothing limits you except consciousness. Consciousness also keeps you practicing certain application as I have mentioned to be able to feed all systems globally. Your participation in this world without standing as awareness is enslavement. When you are caught up in words, feelings, thoughts, believes, expectations and you will live according to these things –enslavement. Not understanding within awareness your own creations and how you came to be, how you direct your life and why – enslavement. Practically I understand that to be aware of what is happening and acting on what it is you have come to understand is not always easy.

As we support you we are aware that being enslaved in the first place was not man's desire for himself yet due to what unfolded when we came into existence, this is now the reality we all participate in. However, to justify that nothing is able be done because: “Oh well I have my life” is just not going to get us through this. Realising that everything man made constitutes conscious creation therefore is directing and controls you tells you how easy enslavement occurs.

For the continuation of this Text / Article - series visit
Category: Life

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Acts of spite Original Sin

From Desteni Forum

The Snake
The Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil
who spite who?

Who will not see inspite of what this fruit foretell?
Acts of spite -- what have we done to ourselves?

Within this 'context' of the Snake, Adam and Eve - the Snake represent the Spite already existent as/in Adam and Eve - wherein Adam and Eve eat the fruit, taken from the Snake to deliberately, within that act of taking and eating the fruit, attempt to/try to 'Spite God' - because he said: 'Not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil'.

Wherein his demand is deliberately reprimanded within/as Spite within the statement of spite as: "I will do this - you can't/won't tell me what to do. I want to, so I will. Don't you tell me what to do." - wherein, acting upon this statement of spite - the nature of the act is done within the expression of 'the attempt to' 'prove something to someone, as in 'showing-off' within the starting-point of wanting to establish themselves as being 'of power' / 'of superiority'.
Or even to attempt to 'gain a sense of individuality' wherein the individuality is based on the self-definition of "doing what I want in spite of another to spite the other so that I can give myself the power/control/superiority to do this within the justification that it is 'my right' / 'freewill' / 'free-choice' to do this'.

Thus, in looking at 'free-choice' / 'choice' / 'freewill' - it's a disguise of the actuality as the act that is being practiced, which is actually, really done in deliberate spite to/towards someone/something - whether it be a being/idea/belief - and 'free-choice' / 'choice' / 'freewill' is used to justify the act of/as spite within the light of self-interest to make what self is doing/acting within/as 'Right for self and self alone'.

So - Adam and Eve believing that they're acting in Spite towards 'God' - wherein what happen to Adam and Eve, simply prove that self always only spite self. 'God' didn't have anything to do with consequences that ensued due to their deliberate act of spitefulness within eating the fruit - the Snake didn't have anything to do with the consequences nor the initial act of eating the fruit = they acted upon it, accepted and allowed it = and thus accordingly experienced their own consequences they created - wherein they'll have actual events/manifested experiences that'll show/reveal/reflect to them what they are/have become as spite.

The snake also in-turn acting within/as spite - deliberately spiting 'God' and spiting Adam and Eve - the snake spiting God in the attempt to 'ruin/infect' 'his creation' as Adam and Eve and within 'succeeding' to do so through Adam and Eve becoming the spite the snake acted within/as towards them - the snake experience a moment of 'power/superiority' - and then ofcourse, the consequence = only spiting itself.
The snake acting also within deliberate spite to/towards Adam and Eve - as the snake knew there'd be consequences for Adam and Eve, but to deliberately spite them - acting in spite through presenting 'that to them which it knew would be of great demise to them' - to within that - gain a sense of pleasure within power/control through manipulating them to take that which would harm them - that in harming them, and them experiencing the harm - it has a sense of 'god-hood'-experience over and of them - believing that it (the snake) is the creator of their experience = when they, Adam and Eve themselves created their own experience = and so that snake also.

So - within this Analogy:

The Tree represent the Mind, the fruit the Thoughts as manifested-designs of knowledge and information.
The Snake represent the Voices in the Head as you as Mind-created Personality as your own conscience of Mind = speak to yourself.
'God' - representing 'who you are', so to speak.

What the 'story of Adam and Eve' reveal within the context of Spitefulness as our current accepted and allowed nature within which we exist as spitefulness - is, that = if you look at yourself in relationship to your world/others - everything that is done = is done within deliberate spitefulness as 'blame' - blaming God/Life for yourself and what you experience -directing that blame unto others - and thus existing within a self-created existence of Spitefulness as the very definition of/as self within the belief that all that you're doing/saying/being is done to spite life/god or whatever/whoever you blame for your experience of you within and without = when in fact, you're only always spiting yourself.

So, therefore - one can't blame the Mind, the voices in the head, god/life or others for experiences within self/one's world - as its all self-created through deliberate spite within the design of 'winning' as self-interest of survival to always want to be 'more'/'better than' others to defend one's ego of believed individuality through deliberately harming others to get one's way - and self is accepting/allowing self to participate in it.


Cold shoulder

Common Sense wrote:
When a partner turn the cold shoulder

who spite who?

and what is the partner actually already preparing to justify?

The one turning the cold-shoulder is only spiting themselves - as they're already preparing to justify the 'reason' / 'the why' for acting within the cold-shoulder manipulation - justifying their act within spite as the cold-shoulder manipulation through blaming the other for the reason to why they did it/ acted within spite as the cold-shoulder manipulation.

Then, if the other leave the one that acted within spite as the manifestation of the could-shoulder manipulation - the one that acted in such deliberate spite will in further ado direct anger towards the other for leaving them - when the one created their experience for themselves through spite = now, their world will reflect the spite they had become.

So, the being that was directing anger to/towards the other = is actually angry at/with themselves - because, to a certain extent they know/see they're the cause - them knowing that they're actually the cause is indicated through them attempting to fault the other.

One always show to self what self is, have become, do, accept and allow through what you project/direct unto others in thought, word and deed = and this is always done in spite - in the attempt to destroy another as you've accepted and allowed yourself to destroy yourself - wanting to destroy another as the destruction that you've brought upon yourself, as yourself that you've become to have the other feel/experience themselves exactly as you do - to in so-doing = bring them down to the level you brought yourself to 'feel equal' and in that perceived 'equality' = at the same-time gain a sense of 'domination'.

The fucked-up design of 'equality' through/as the mind-system as spitefulness.


What is Spitefulness

From Desteni Forum
Spitefulness is a deliberate act - within which the being act in deliberate spite towards another within the deliberate intention to harm / break-down / inferiorize - the being within this act of spitefulness believing that they're harming / breaking-down / inferiorizing another - when their world will turn 180-degrees upon themselves as their world will show the spite they are.

Spitefulness is a form of mental-rape - within which the being acting in spite deliberately want another to break-down/react emotionally - so that the one acting in/as spite can through harming another in such a way - gain their experience of power, control and superiority.

The other on the 'receiving-end' of the one acting in/as spite towards them, is self-responsible to not give their power away to the one acting in/as spite - because, in essence - if they accept/allow themselves to react = they're only spiting themselves within the very acceptance and allowance of reacting.
Understand that; you become that which you react to/towards - thus, the being reacting to another's spitefulness towards them = become the spite they accept and allow themselves to react to through blaming the being for causing their experience, which would then from the blame - turn into 'revenge' and would become spiteful to 'get back at them' - when in fact they, themselves allowed their own reaction in the first-place.

All of this is done in full-awareness as a means to attempt to control and 'gain power' one way or another through using spite - the only way to control and gain power within spite is through deliberate harm unto another within the manifested-form of deliberate mental-rape within which the being 'feed-off of' the others 'break-down' and experience a sense of pleasure within it - always.

Spite is also used under the guise of manipulation - wherein the being would, for example, deliberately go into a form of 'self-pity' / 'feeling sorry for self' - playing on another's 'weakness' through having the other becoming what you're mirroring to them as self pity and feeling sorry for self - wherein the other will then pity you and feel sorry for you and 'play the game' of spite = so you'd use spite as manipulation to manipulate your reality to 'get what you want' through abusing others to get it.

The being accepting and allowing themselves to 'play this game' of spite that you project unto them - also becoming spite, through accepting and allowing themselves to be manipulated by you - because they're abusing themselves through self-compromise by supporting you within your design of spite as manipulation.
What'll happen here is that; an event will take place wherein the being that 'played the game of spite under the guise of manipulation' will 'regret' 'helping you' when they realise how they compromised themselves within giving you what you want - because in giving you what you want - something had to be taken from themselves = then they go into 'spite' as 'regret' - directing anger to/towards you - and in the anger using spite to attempt to manipulate you again - to 'regain' their control/power in themselves/their world that they gave away to you through falling prey to your spite-through-manipulation tactics.

Wherein the spite the being become within anger - is invalid as reaction towards you - because they accepted/allowed themselves to 'fall for' dishonesty/deception within another as themselves and didn't take self-responsibility in standing up within what they'll accept and allow and what not. Thus - understand = you'll also become the dishonesty/deception you accept/allow within another which you support within another that you participate in with them.

Thus, you only always spite yourself within/as/through your own acceptances and allowances.


Thursday, April 16, 2009

I am reporting about yesterday. It was a wierd day in that everything seemed to be in a daze. Things like I would get in the car and then wonder why I was in the car, I would forget what I was doing and why LOL, I had errands to run and it was very difficult to get them done. I talked to other people and asked them if they felt "spacy" and they said yes. I even went into fear at times like imagining that I was the only person on the planet and that I had know ("know" typo hm lol) one to talk to ...just me. So I sat with that to see how that would feel.. to just be with Me.. interesting.. I think that came up as I dont have anyone to talk to much anymore, I am seeing all talking is just that, opinons that are becoming boring to me, so mostly I just listen and say just a few words. The dogs that I am house sitting are even getting on my nerves, as soon as I come out the house they are jumping all over me wanting to play and I get annoyed that they do not take me into consideration. omg LOL That sounds so funny. But when I give into them as just play it is aways cool. Daziness Could be the pollen count as spring is starting up in the states. I seem to be more focused today, we we'll see...