Family and Spite

Family and Spite

When I started to smoke cigarettes at age 13 I did it because I hated (harsh words but many times as a child I felt that way) my mother, so I did it to spite her.

She would say things like children should be seen and not heard, and “do as I say, not as I do”. This is what she said about cigarettes. So because I was angry with her for who knows what, she most likely said “no” to something I wanted to do. I decided to smoke to get back at her… so she would suffer and feel how I felt when she would tell me what to do. She would say no, and I would sneakily do it anyway. And really it was so I would die from it and –Then she’d be sorry!! Very spiteful stuff I had going on. Now as I write this I see that I had a death wish to spite her! Because what is the most terrible thing that can happen to a parent… that their child dies, or turns out to be a fuck up. This was my rebellion to the mother fucker (there is a post on Desteni about how the phrase mother fucker started) . I could not stand up to her because you don’t do that to mom. But I could see her most fear and become it. So I started smoking and then drinking and hung out with the kids she didn’t want me to, got into trouble at school. I was turning into her night mare, some one she was ashamed of… her wonderful, cute little baby, was now an embarrassment. Lol wow, didn’t really see how spiteful this all was on my part…

Here she was, just wanting to be a good little program and I wanted to destroy that.

So my spite toward her made me a very angry and sad person and with that I also spited myself as a part of me wanted to destroy myself as revenge to the world.

With in all of this, I did manage to have fun times, though they were mostly alcohol induced but at that time it seemed fun. I managed to get out of the house as soon as I could get work and make money to support myself. I did not want to get married and have kids… because she wanted me to, so another spiteful thing really, also I did not want to be like her.

Well now the smoking with the mother spite is really fucking with my lungs… as family is structurally programmed in the lungs. So all these years of smoking, my old starting point was of spite! Wow and shit!

I did quite a bit of healing on my mother using Louse Hays tapes, but I had fo got about the smoking and spiteful acts that I has done.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to use cigarettes as a spiteful act toward my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run my life as spite towards my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the idea of dying as spite towards my mother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self harm and self abuse as spite towards my mother to hurt my mother.

I forgive myself that I have wanted to hurt my mother and make her miserable because I felt that was what she was doing to me.

I forgive myself for purposely wanting to make her miserable like I felt she was doing to me

I forgive myself for all the hate I had towards my mother because she would not let me be and do what I wanted.

I forgive myself for all that spite that I became to purposely hurt my mother.

Shit… I was a real mother fucker to my mother…

I am sorry… what a hateful way to live and want another to live as that.

I am sorry, I am sorry, I am sorry to have treated another person in that way.

I forgive myself for wanting to hurt her and doing it as spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anger as live as that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful