Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Second Coming;

The Second Coming;
Jesus as the Practical Savior


What would Jesus Do?
Does not Jesus represent the son of God, did he not say you shall be like me and greater. Did he not come to say that we are all the sons of God.

What would Jesus do?
He showed us that he can feed the people. Does that not mean we should feed each other one and equal?
What is the second coming of Jesus, is that not us?

In practical common sense what could Jesus do if he came now again?
What would be different than before?
He showed us that he fed all and any people that were at the mount unconditionally, as an example, should we not do the same?

The reason why we are "waiting" for Jesus to come, is because we are the Jesus that we are waiting for!

We are the second coming.
How can Jesus save us, unless we learn to save ourselves?
He taught us how we can save ourselves because no one can do it for you.
That is how Jesus saves, by us becoming him, by us feeding ourselves and each other by taking into consideration of ALL of MAN KIND as ourselves.

We can do this. We can stop the abuse by stopping the participation within it. We can take all into consideration One and Equal.

Waiting for Jesus is stupid really.
Consider this,
Did he have a church to preach from?
Did he have a home he admired more than spreading the truth.
Who are these Priests and the Church that say they know of Jesus and then tell us about him from their rich churches?

Why is the Vatican one of the most richest places in the world?
That to me is bull shit, as Jesus never had a church or a wealthy place to preach from.
How dare you let them take your money by the lies that they tell you. Would Jesus take your money? Would he even ask for it? Did not Jesus give all he had to another, and not kept for him self but to show us to give instead of take? Why are there people starving all over the world.

Tell me the Vatican and the wealthy can not buy and give the starving seeds to plant for food!

You that wait for the second coming, instead of taking the action that Jesus himself has taken. You are fools and blinded by the false profits of the church.
Some churches out there have good intentions, where the money goes to support there community.
But there is more that we can do, if we unit as a people who takes ALL People into consideration.
The stupid Wars that are fought for greed, where they do not care who they kill, and the leaders call themselves Christians!
How can you believe this? How can you think that is Christian?
What would Jesus do?
Would he support War against another?
What is War?? Is it not wanting to take what another has? And then go to the extremes of creating huge killing weapons to slaughter people to get what they want? The money and time spend on these wars! Ridiculous.
And they all say we are fighting for God, or we are Christians.

Shit! Come on people...
What would Jesus do?

Until we change as the second coming and become the second coming there will be No Second Coming.
How long will you wait??
Will you die before it happens?
Then what?
Be reborn and in the same mess, not to even remember that you where here before.
We need to change Now. If we wait, we will die and nothing will have changed and we come back to this again and again, until we stand up and make the difference ourselves.
Is that not common sense?
Jesus tried to teach common sense, and people where not ready, and churches were started to fool the people and Kill in the name of Jesus...
What have we learned??
If we wait and depend on another, what will change? Nothing, like nothing has changed for 2000 years.
It is NOT worship that Jesus taught!
He taught Action.
He taught to Do.
Not to pray. When he asked God for strength, it was not for himself he asked, but for the strength to have the will to carry on to help another! To teach others. To wake up another.
And you pray for a lover, to have money for a new car, to win a war, you pray to protect yourselves, not for All of Mankind.
People are hypocrites...
Jesus words fell on deaf ears... And you think he alone will come back?

You would not even listen to him again, as you do not now, but let the churches tell you that you are special because you come and Pray to God in their church, and say that others are not God worthy.

What would Jesus do?
He did not preach that! Why do you listen to such hypocrisy and dishonor what Jesus taught.

Why do you listen to the leaders and let them, and support them to kill others? And call yourself Christians.

The same goes for the other religions, where you think you are the chosen ones! What are you chosen for? That you can fight, kill and slaughter another, and believe that there is a God that approves of this!
That there is a God that has chosen people? How stupid is that really.

So God puts a bunch of people all together on a planet and then says only some of you are special. That makes no sense except in the eyes of people wanting to be special and will kill for it.

We need to be Jesus the Practical Savior.


Did you know that there is proof that the writings of the bible were done about 300 years after the death of this person named Jesus.

Jesus did not write down his teaching, he did not write the bible. Man did 300 years later, and used his simple teachings to become a Religion and then that way they can become masters of it by being priests and Popes. They can tell you that you are not worthy, and need the church to be saved because you do not understand Jesus words. They made it complicated on purpose, to enslave you by telling you how special you are, and then you pay them to tell you that…

The second coming is told by the priests so you will not take action on your own, and so you will wait and keep paying them money, so they have a job by keeping you enslaved “waiting”. Think about it. If there was no second coming as in Jesus to come down from the heavens and save mankind would you need the church? As the church says to stay with them and pray with them and give them money until Jesus comes! When we can be the second coming right now and stop starvation and greed.
What else to we need to be saved from?
To be saved from a sin… is to stop it. None can do it for you, yet you fall for the scam that a priest can magically take your sin away as you pay him money.
Jesus himself is not coming; we are the second coming by living his words that he taught.


None of this is the Will of God! But the will of Man that is so insecure that they need and want to be worshiped as a provider, so they enslave you into thinking you are stupid and need them, and then they tell you how you need to live when it is all geared to deceive you into giving your power/Life away to them in hopes that you will be saved and maybe become worth something. As they will say you have honor because you have listened to them and done their bidding. This is what the leaders do and say to you to get them to fight their battles of greed.

Do you feel shame? I did when I realized this. Shame that I was so stupid, that I did not ask questions but wanted to be accepted. They count on this as they put your children into school and teach them the same thing.. Become a good worker bee… for Us! And you will be rewarded.

So yes, the shame that people feel when they see this, they suppress because that means that they have allowed this, and many will want to “protect” their ego and image of themselves than to say, yes I was stupid, we do not have to allow this anymore. If you have the courage to swallow your pride… The Second Coming will come as You.

What can we do to become the Living Words of Jesus and in that way his words do not die in vain, as we become one with Jesus as his teachings?

We can stop over population. There are many who are having children for selfish needs, one of them is to get money from the government that you can only get if you have children. Is that not one form of child abuse as you do not look into the eyes of the child but only see them as dollar signs?


We can allocate the same amount of money for All. That would stop wars that are fought because of Greed.
That would stop starvation and corruption.
That would stop child abuse because children then would not have to be sold into child slave labor and prostitution.
All would have schooling
All could eat and have a home
No need to pay churches money to save you from the atrocities of existence when they can not and have never saved you anyway.
This money can be put to good use. And the ones who have most of the money have lied and cheated and stole it from you who has let them and gave them this power. They promise to take care of you, only to use it for there self gain. Why not take care of ourselves?

These are to name just a few things that can only be done, if we DO IT.
Become the DOER,
not the WORSHIPER.

The Practical Second Coming.

For more information on how you can get involved in the Money for All Movement
Join Desteni Forums
Thanks

I have never met anyone Like Desteni

It never occurred to me that when I joined the Desteni Forum over a year ago that this would be a life time experience…
I was lost and confused with the state that existence is in, I did not know what our purpose was, and why there was so much suffering, and there was suppose to be a God that loved us and created us. It didn’t make sense…
It took me over a year that I would realize that Desteni is offering a way to change the world through one person at a time, and in this new world we will all be different. The change that this will take is more than a change in your “life style” it is changing who you actually are and this takes courage and dedication, self honesty and self forgiveness. It is changing the way you see and perceived life, and stopping all the excuses that we have come up with or beLIEved are reasons why we as a people can not live One and Equal as LIFE instead of living One and Equal in separation, through self interest, (what is best for me only).
Desteni is breaking through all the lies and beliefs that say we can not live One and Equal for what is best for ALL as Ourselves, where we see all of creation as ourselves. The reason this is not here is because of fear and self interest.
This is a movement to live in Self honesty.
Adele Caskey

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Existence is Missing


Existence is missing
The respect of admission to self dishonesty that have become a revolution.

We all live in fear and fall to despair as we hide behind our lies and enslave existence into separation and not a nation,

Of all One and Equal but all one in weakness….

We do not stand up for another, but run to take cover

Pretending to be glorified as we fight another’s war,

When in our hearts we know that we are cowards

And hide behind the door getting self satisfaction by being in action against another and say we are saving our mother.., yet do not hesitate to kill another

We are slaves to the elite
Because we are afraid we won’t eat
We turn into sheep and wonder why we weep

When all we have to do is stand up to you and say no more killing,
no more abuse, we can provide on our own…

We don’t need you to protect by slaughtering. We will not fight your money whore war…

Food is bountiful and land is gracious, and your sly lies of money are in your favor.

Time to stand up to these revolutions of Lies and to swallow our pride and not hide behind false representation

Of these Nations that Deceive for greed and care not for what you need,

They plant the seed saying give us your power so we can shower ourselves and not you, you are the fool.
The Elite are the minority and we are the majority, why give the power to the greedy and not to the needy.

Because we were weak and created an Elite to tell us what to do, when we knew in our hearts we gave them the power

And now suffer the repercussions of Nations upon Nations that keep food from the people because we depended on others for rations as we are now governed.

This can not be disputed, no matter what religion or creed that you believe and need yourself to Be. As we are all One and Equal to what we have accepted and allowed.

So when you die, the death that you put on another by living dishonestly, will you be proud of what we as a people have accepted and allowed?

By Adele Caskey
Copywrite Nov 2008

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Communication

I am starting to see that most all our dishonesty can be seen in our starting point of communication
When we want to communicate with another, or even when we do not want to communicate with another.

This to me has been the practical part of what we are doing.
There is also self communication, when we talk to ourselfs
Like try to figure out something or are going around and around in our head with self judgment or blame.
But the outward act of communicating to another is very revealing to what is going on inside of us and it is also an "action" that we take.

It is fascinating really.

If you can stop yourself before you talk to someone, you can ask yourself why am I going to say this to this person.
What do I want to get out of this conversation or words that I am going to say.
Sometimes it is practical things. Like I am going to the store do you want anything, or what should we have for supper.

But what about all those other times?
This goes along with what Dimensional Diary's have been talking about really.
And it is also about being the living words.
This goes with posting as well because it is also communication.

What is the starting point of a post, what are we looking to get out of it.
Even what is the starting point of not wanting to post.
So the action part of practical application is in how and why we communicate with another.
Or how and why we will not communicate with another

What is the starting point of that "reason"?
But what is fascinating to me is that all this process is really about
self honest "communication" with others.
lol

Because that will develop self honesty within ourselves
All this has been said, this is just another perspective that came to me.
If I can slow myself down before I communicate and ask myself why and what I want to get out of it, I can see myself.

Is it for validation
Is is for manipulation
Is it for self expression
_________________

Friday, September 26, 2008

What Densteni is to me

Hi Welcome

What Destine is about
To expose the lies believes be-lie-ves we have accepted and allowed to cause enslavement, suffering and abuse in the world.
And to offer a practical solution for ALL, where each person will be one and equal with each other and Life. None… No-One better than another, or less than another.
This would stop enslavement, as each one will stand one and equal to each other and have Self Responsibly instead of relying on another.
This is done by first understanding that we have only lived as a Mind Consciousness System Program. And that is apparent if you take an honest look at your self and notice that anytime a thought, emotion, or feeling, comes up within you, that you react to it/it directs your life.
And if further honest you will see that everything you have done, was done out of fear of
loss, fear of judgment, fear of not being loved, etc.

So the purpose of the Forum is to assist with what this really means by suggesting links to articles and videos that have already been done on the questions you might have, and to assist with using the tools provided and also discussions on questions pertaining to what Desteni is about.

If you do not see that we have all been living in a deceptive lie that we have allowed, and you just came here to defend your knowledge and ego, there will be no way that you will be open to the tools suggested... and there for it is clear that you do not want to change, but just defend your deceptions.

So the Desteni tools are
Self Honesty
Self Forgiveness
Self Application
4 count Breath

Practical Effectiveness with Self Honesty and Self Forgiveness

Quote:
Another perspective
Life is a moment--a breath--we take in --self forgiveness--and blow out--self honesty
Thus--in the circle of life--we stop the circle with self forgiveness and then start a new life every moment in self honesty
In this way we purify ourselves and the environment we participate in and thus have a direct influence on the future of the world
we are then equal to our own effectiveness in self honesty and self forgiveness and in total control/directive power of our lives

Some links on Self Forgiveness

http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3108

http://desteni.co.za/Osho/veno32.htm

http://desteni.co.za/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3108

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Daliy Waves

I did not feel like editing and spell check.

Yesterday Sept 10
High day(for lack of better word)
High day seems to mean when I have alot of energy, I post alot on the forums etc,
I talk alot, I want to express through words what I am thinking.
It seems if I do not get out my thoughts now, they drive me crazy
It also feels good to tell people what I know on the forum.... thou It might be an
ego booster, yet that always comes after the fact, atm I feel good to express because I

use to suppress it so much. I was afraid to voice myself as I feared judgment.
--------
To day Sept 11
I feel sluggish and I am wanting to be quite, yet the mind keeps spinning and wont let me

rest. Could be the coffee...but I dont know as I have been able to rest with coffee as well
hmm is that a lie? I will see, I will slow down on the coffee
Luke is BARKING AGAIN as always everyday. ALL DAY most days....
So yesterday I was agitated all day, I was unconfortable in the body,
It may of been from reading Bs links to the horrors going on and that I get upset when

he posts them
--------------
sept 12
I woke up feeling better, happer, I had a message that I was being conserned, thus

indulging in thoughts, thou I knew this yesterday, I could not stop.
Just talked to rob, and he said when those days come up where you are agitaded, accept

it as life atm. Do not blame or judge and feel the body. Ego Claims and blames
------
Bits from Jacks article on Desteni
Practically to assist yourself with what I have written I would suggest taking your
physical suppressed manifestations and writing them down. Clearly without judgement
and with absolute frankness write down all that you are able to relate to, regarding what
I have mentioned. Then honestly do forgiveness on how you have suppressed yourself
and how you've allowed the physicality's to manifest. Then after doing extensive
forgiveness until you stand clear on all issues (which might take time and more honesty)
apply yourself practically. By this I am speaking about seeing what you have allowed and
then applying what the truth and solutions are. Other than that, do guided meditations if
you work with dimensional beings, clearly stating that you're assisting yourself with the
release of physical suppressions. Don't allow the mind to tell you you're fine or that your
‘issues' will just go away. Realise only you are able to assist yourself and that your
assistance from the dimensions is exactly that, assistance. We're not going to do the
work for you, but we are here to assist and to work beside you all the way. Here is an
example of how to work through suppressions using forgiveness and practical application
once understanding is reached.
Let's say you are able to relate to weight gain around your hips and stomach area. Now
you're asking yourself, what is necessary for me to look at so that I am able to do
forgiveness. You look at your age and how you have participated from childhood to these
fears. Look at the stomach from the perspective of fear linked to the past, future and
present. How since your childhood have you linked these fears to events and memories.
Write it all down do the same with the hips, perhaps on a separate page as you'll be doing the corrections separately.
With regards to your hips, how far have you allowed yourself to lose your own worth? Are
you worthy due to other's views of you? Are you worthy due to your placement of
yourself or your career? So again trace these allowances of worth right back to your
childhood. Now link people to each event for example: Who in my life has ever made me
feel worthy of something and what was the worth. Then look at how currently you allow
both with the hips and your stomach, the influences to still exist within your decision
making today. What people represent certain points and how have you participated?
Arms that become saggy are of course how much weight you are willing to carry . The
bourdon of life as seen carried by so many ‘middle' aged woman. We are so busy caring
about things outside ourselves that we are constantly burdened. Perhaps the greatest
burden is the ‘knowing' that outside oneself you will always find somebody to compare
yourself to or to live up to
Then you do forgiveness extensively until you start understanding the information, not
just sitting with it on a piece of paper. Remember also that your resistances are where
your mind doesn't want to release. So when you're thinking, 'stupid exercise' or 'no that's
not right I wouldn't have allowed that' then you know that you have reached a point of
resistance. Then you write that down too and unconditionally do forgiveness, remember
within assisting yourself what harm is able to be done by just writing down everything
unconditionally and doing forgiveness on it? Also remember that the most important part
is to realise that practically forgiveness is effective when you don't allow what you've
created to keep repeating itself. Just by speaking forgiveness it is not able to make
everything right, you have to actually make changes for the situations and allowances to
stop. Forgiveness assists with guilt and remorse that prevents us from even working with
the issue for a start. People have the tendency to not forgive themselves for something,
by this they are not then allowing themselves to ‘deal' with the issue, no release is
possible.
--------------------------------
Sept 13
I notice that I am always comparing me self to others, this is really hard to stop!
I drop ALL COPMPARISONS NOW

Comparing
another anilizing
so
to Keep
evoltutioning yourself
I copied SF to Word Unter Sept 13
-----
The SF on comparition was cool and extensive
Those I am thinking of SA alot and am "trying" to anticpate what
my experiance will be there
So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to
make me feel better by justifiy how I will be in SA
I forgive myself for projecting into the future what my experiance in SA will
be like instead of being stabel here Now.

when I share something.
I am still looking at comparison.
I want to see me through what other write, possible to my post.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and judged myself when I post, I think others will

judge it as me “trying to be the good girl” !
OH SHIT that is exactly how I am judging myself, as being the good girl, and fearful that

others will be intimidated by me as I have been intimidated by other who I perceive as

doing well.
Again!! Self judgment of MEEEE! Geeee will I ever get over this??
YES I WILL…

Sept 14
Woke up cool today started posting on forum write away
The SF on comparison has helped with the self judgment. I also yesterday wrote on open

forum about it becoming a game for me to convince and convert, and by writing it
I got to see it as I was still having a reaction to people that I have posted to.
It is 5:30 now
And I posted a bunch on the forum. Am I wanting to prove my point? Am i wasting my

time with the ones who do not like self forgivenss? I dont know.. Am I standing up?
I think so! I am not letting the bull shit go without saying something
Do I feel good about myself? Yes I do in away as I can not sit back anymore,,,That is all
that I have done my whole life! And we finally have an answer..Thou to remember that I
am doing this for myself.

From jack dead mans diary
Take desire, want and need out of our every day lives…. well just for a moment imagine
how you would fit into this world. Nothing would matter to you

Sept 16th
I seemed to miss a day in here?? What happened to the 15th?
Ahh yesterday was constiant frusteration feeling... like I was not doing enough
I could not watch TV, I got irritated at the commericals and I did not do
the one hour of silance..So I went to bed earlly and slept for 9 hours.

Today so far I feel good ..why?? I dont know! I just do.
---------
Another fear of posting Kids standing up on Myspace
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resistance to promting
the Kids forum
What are my fears with this?
That I wonted be able to handle it.
That I wont be able to deal with people that might come on to just fuck around.
That it is a resonsiably that I feel that I might need to control it and fear that I wont.
Fear of being jugeded by others that know me on myspace and think what I am doing is stupid in there eyes.
Fear to be honest to others that are not on the D forums
oh boy
Fear that if questions are asked that I will not know how to answer them suficantly
Fuck I am in a comfort zone....
Fear of sepping out of the comfort zone
Okay talking about future tripping!
All these things coming up just to make that one move.

I have to do it
Face myself
Shit this is just as hard as when I freaked about starting a blog
I am going to do it!
Fuck you mind, freak out if you want we are going to do this no matter how much you try to make me think it will hurt!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get in fear about this
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this fear and thus causeing resistance
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually have feelings of embarriment to expose myself and self honesty to others not on the forums

Hell I dont know what I am afraid of this for, I have done it already. I have posted my blog and vids on myspace...
Thou I have not offered a forum before..
Where I will have to be direct and careful not to composice myself by wanting to "please" others..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can not stand up in the face of others not on the forums
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not reallly be self honest if I can not do this
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get comfortable before I can be self honest and in that I am lieing to myself..

I forgive myself that I have let the mind take me on its fear trip instead of being HERE

As none of this is true, and is a programed mind response that I can either accepted and allowed or stop.
hmm
I see the mind is going to fear this no matter what so I will just do it and work with the fears as they come up.

gee seems so silly...

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Apologies to The Body


Oh my...
How I use to curse the body
How I use to "blame" it for my problems
How I wanted it to look different
How I was mad at it for hurting and causing me pain
How it wanted to keep eating
How I blamed it for not getting the "love" of my life

Oh my
My body, the one thing that kept me in the physical
that I cursed so much and blamed so much.
The one thing that can offer me Expression of LIFE
That I cursed so much

I did not know... I did not understand
I forgive myself that I did not know, that I did not understand.

The body is so forgiving allows so much abuse and
is still HERE for us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the body, to not respect the body, to blame it for my problems..
How forgiving the body is

We are becoming friends now, I am allowing it
to show me, we are working together as one.

The body forgives me as I forgive myself
and we grow together as One

THANK YOU BODY
I forgive myself

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Comparison

I had a good realization the other day.
I was reading Venos Structural Resonance and doing SF on comparison. Meaning that we compare ourselves to others by thinking we are either better than another in someway or less than another in someway.
I also was talking about Astrology with a friend and he said that I have this comparison thing in my first house. So very strong influence. And also my tree of life said that I do that.... Well how weird it is that the thing everyone else can see about us that is the most obvious than we can not see at all.
I could not understand what this really meant. I was so natural to me that I didn't even see it.
Well I finally saw it. That my whole life I was comparing me to another trying to define who I was through them and what I saw.
I think it started when my brother was born and I was four years old all of a sudden he got all the attention I didn't understand it so I labeled myself as not good enough. Yet we have been programmed as to what we will experience in this world anyway, and my astrology chart proves it. People don't like to hear that they are a program. They want to think they are special and design there own life... But come on, if you think about it with common sense, why would a person design themselves to suffer? Why would a person design themselves to have a miserable life or be sick.

Well anyway back to my life of comparing. Here is what I remember from High School. This is a clip from the book I am writing:

I was not an “A” student or a B more like a “C” student. I was not the prettiest girl, I did love Gym class, and I got into into trouble.
My wrong crowed continued, but hell I had fun! Or did I? Fun came with drinking. The rest was horrible actually. I was always comparing myself to others. By looking for people who I might have been prettier than by looking for people that were considered prettier then me, by me. I guess I was the one that made that decision now that I think about it. Really, now that I think about it, I decided what qualities or looks that I thought were an asset or not. If I did not like a persons looks in some way or another, I was glad that was not me. Then I would see things in others that I thought was beautiful… but that I did not have or thought I did not have and I would be depressed and felt ugly compared to them.
So I see now that I never even had a definition of myself really. Because one moment I was good enough and the next I wasn't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as the polarity of There is better than me and less than me and that I define myself as not good enough to be loved any more because I was not noticed anymore. ( this is in regard to when my brother was born)
SO I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not good enough.
So then I looked for others that I can say I was better then so I would look at how others looked and if I thought they were prettier I felt like I was better than them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me in polarity as better than.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge all the pretty girls in high school as better than me because they got alot of attention from others as they were considered beautiful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than when My gym teacher accused me of skipping school. I felt shame and anger at her for judging me
I forgive myself that I became angry at her and myself and that I accepted and allowed this judgment within me and thought that was who I was.. I felt less than others.
I forgive myself that i defined myself through comparison of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and belief that who I am is a comparison to another
I forgive myself that I comare anyone to anyone as a Judgement of the polarity of "better than" or Less than:
--------------------------------------
I forgive myself that I have accaepted aND aloowed myself to beliecve that I could be better than an other
I forgive myself that I havae accepted and allowed myself to define myself in the polarity of being better than an other there for manifesting the polarity of being less than another.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Purpose and Value another triangle

value and importance/worth
= purpose

I was digging around with the purpose thing again
as I wanted to understand it.
Whats is the purpose of purpose !

So this is how that conversation went.

I notice that all my thoughts seem to have the starting point of a
purpose.
I felt like giving up purpose was giving up life.
So if I let go of purpose I let go of everything I ever thought I was here for.
"Purpose" If I had a purpose I would be "noticed", acknowledge, "someone" would approve of me. Someone would have value for
ME.

Ahh we are looking for value,
That is why purpose is never enough, it has to keep moving, motivating, because our starting point is purpose.. we want our

VALUE

TO INCREASE so we will be " WORTH MORE".

Thus we can never be happy for fulfilled because we are looking for value. And since value is not a constant, not stable we can not hold onto it.

Life is it only purpose.

So why have we make the purpose thing so hard and stressful.
The thing with value is it has a "worth"
People say "whats is value, what is it worth"

So we are always looking for ways to make ourself "valuable' to another .
If we didn't place or seek a value on ourselfs we wouldn't be afraid of
losing it.

Some of the things we place value on are
________________
our loved ones
money
our looks
house
friends
pets
cloth
our body

Now value also includes the opposite of no value or little value.
Like in my case I felt I was not worthy, I had little value, no
purpose but still comparing myself to value.

What if nothing had no Value! It would HAVE NO PURPOSE!

You want value
You want to be VALIDATED
Value is the greatest enslaver

So what if we didn't have value
Would we still be worthy?
Worthy of what??

A BIG FAT KISS from some "imaginary GOD, higher being or some
spiritual something that we are always trying to please.
And this takes the form of anyone one or thing we think is better than us.

WE HAVE VALUING WHAT VALIDATES US!
LOL

What If WE GAVE OUR OWN SELF VALUE AND WORTH TO

OURSELF!

We are the Value that we have been seeking!

Stop looking for value in anything what so ever
looking for=separation from

What if we gave our own self value
We VALIDATE OURSELF

If our starting point for SELF EXPRESSION came from SELF VALUE

we

would not need to be validated.

So to stopping the "looking" and just be your own value.

With self value, not value outside of youself
we would be
constant
stable
have worth
need nothing from another
no need to please another
If you have any movement from HERE you are looking for value

instead of being it

So if we are SELF Value we don't need a purpose
_________________

Triangle
seeking value and importance
= purpose

The End!
lol

PURPOSE and Process



Yesterday I was very frustrated. So I started writing it out. It turned into a self pity thing as I was writing. Then I start asking myself questions as this works really well for me. So this is part of the way the process went.
This is me trying to figuar it out. I am not posting the whole thing cause it was just a pity party.

....See I dont know if it the guit that is the problem or that this is become a habit that is the problem or that there is even a problem to begin with as I am just making it up because one of my things is self pity..
Ohh boy what a mess..
And right now I SEE.. it is because I do anything to avoid being HERE.

Okay Adele get real!! (now I start yelling at myself lol)
YOU DONT LIKE ANYTHING THAT YOU "HAVE" TO DO!!! FOR YOU YOURSELF!! BECAUSE YOU DONT SEE A PURPOSE FOR YOU. IF YOU CANT MAKE UP SOME REASON TO HAVE A PURPOSE THAT YOU "LIKE" YOU HATE IT. IF IT IS SOMETHING YOU HATE TO DO. YOU HATE TO DO IT AND WONT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE.

SHIT i CAN NOT LIVE OR MOVE WITH OUT A PURPOSE THAT I MAKE UP THAT FEELS GOOD TO ME.
SO MY PURPOSE HAS TO FEEL GOOD. MAKE ME FEEL GOOD

SO IS MY LIFE ABOUT FEELING GOOD? YES ISNT THAT WHAT LIFE IS? SO THEN THERE IS THE POLARITY OF FEELING GOOD AND NOT FEELING GOOD.
SO THEN WHAT DO WE .......
OH SHIT...SO THEN WHAT DO WE JUDGE AS A GOOD LIFE? SO DOES LIFE HAVE TO BE JUDGED AS GOOD OR BAD? FEELING GOOD OR BAD. IS THAT HOW I JUDGE ME AS LIFE?

YES...I JUDGE ME AS LIFE AS GOOD OR BAD...

wow ... you have to see it for YOURSELF.. That is what that means no one can tell you anything. the secret is right in front of your face. the truth is right in front of your face ...polarity polarity!!!

LOL Can it be that simple?!!! I WAS JUDGING LIFE AS GOOD OR BAD! I WAS JUDGING ME AS LIFE AS GOOD OR BAD..LOL EVERY MOMENT WAS BEING JUDGED AS GOOD=HAPPY OR BAD=NOT HAPPY
WOW
THAT EASY THAT SIMPLE ===POLARITY!!
LOL
EVEN THE INFINITY SYMBOL IS POLARITY GOOD AND BAD AS TIME IS REALLY GOOD AND BAD IN ANUS VISION (Anu is the symbol of the NATURE of US) AS HE KNEW CREATION HAD A BEGINNING=GOOD AND END = BAD.....=TIME ..


SO HE DEVISED A WAY WITH THE INFINITY SYMBOL TO KEEP THE BAD =END OF TIME FROM HAPPENING.. [i]THUS CREATED THE CONTINUAL LOOP OF GOOD AND BAD THAT IS TIME[/i] ...BECAUSE THE CREATION HAD THE STARTING POINT OF BEING/GOOD WHICH HAD TO INCLUDED BAD...JUST FROM THE IDEA THAT SOMETHING IS CONSIDERED GOOD.!!!
SOOOO IF WE STOP THIS IDEA OF GOOD AND BAD...GUESS WHAT!

SHIT I FIGURED OUT THE FUCKING PURPOSE CRAP. ALL=DOWN TO ME AND MY FEELING OF GOOD OR BAD AND DEFINING MYSELF AS THAT AS LIFE.

So my trinity as life was made up of the idea of good /bad = life
happy/not happy= life


Well I got a bit excited with this
as I

REAL EYES THE NATURE OF ME IN REGARDS TO PURPOSE.

The purpose, pre pose. The pose I had was I Am The Living manifestation Of Good/happy and Bad/unhappy

So I see this now. Its my birthday
:) lol
Now I have to walk

Monday, June 9, 2008

Nine Months of Hell Part 2

Why I am not Dead

I think that was when she called me with the suicide threat at my work. I did not come home after those people took me to my friend’s house. So now she wanted me to come home and say good by to her because she took pills to die. Well like I said when I go home she was fine.

The next event I remember was the time my Dad and brother were coming out this way from Ohio to visit. My Dad went to see his brothers in California and my brother came to visit me. I knew this was not going to go over well as now there was someone in the house and Jennie could not stand to not have my attention for very long as she knew I wanted to leave her. Now my brother or family did not know any of this was going on as I was afraid to tell anyone because she knows when I talk about her. It was the strangest thing.. Her knowing I wanted to leave but I had so much fear about she fed off of it and kept the fear going within in her as anger and me as fear. Anyway company was coming! And she would have to hold her anger in front of them which really pissed her off even more. Well me my brother Jennie and another friend decided to go on a little trip together to show Rob around the cool places in Arizona. We went to a town about 90 minutes away and had drinks and food. I was having fun being with my brother and on the way home her anger started to show. She made such a fuss about something that she wanted out of the car, so we pulled over and let her out and I was happy to leave her there. See now I had some courage as my brother was there and she was afraid of men and also did not want to really be a ass and hit me in front of him. But she got back in the car. It was nite and along road back to home.

Oh before I end this episode tidbit story I have to tell you what I found out about her! One day we went to visit Jennie family. I remember her mom was there and one of her sisters and maybe her brother. Jennies real name was Willard. Well the family was acting pretty weird. At the time I didn’t get it because I did not know Jennie for that long and thought her anger episodes were just that. Just a few times she freaked out on me. After we left the house I thought gee they seem afraid of her.

They were not very welcoming, thou the mom tried to be but I could feel she didn’t want Jennie there. Later that year I saw Jennies sister out at a club and I said why didn’t you warn me about her! She said she could not because Jennie would find out if they did and come and hurt them. I tried to find out what happened to Jennies wife when she was a man and the sister just looked at me and said she did not know how she died and would not talk about it. Now how can you not know how a family member died! Then I heard that Jennie as Willard use to be in the Skull motorcycle gang. And they were pretty ruthless. I was told they actually shot up some café on a side road out in the county and killed some people. So shit.. now I remember why I was so scared of her and I wanted to get away with out anyone getting hurt.

Okay back to the story

So she got back in the car and we made it home with unnerving

silence. I was trying to give hints to my brother that I was with a nut case and to be careful. I could tell he was a bit like what the fuck is up with this person and my brother hasn’t seen me for along time so had no clue what he was getting into.

We got home late at nite. Rob got out of the car and went in the house so me and Jennie could talk. Well it was an argument and for the first time I hit her first! It felt good… but then she gave me a kick so hard in the leg that I ended up have a 12 inch bruise on my thigh! I was not so proud then and thought to myself you stupid why did you puncher.

Now she was really mad. I hurried into the trailer and I said Rob be on guard this person is mad and this is serious, as that is all I had time to say before she came in the house. My brother was sitting on the couch in our tiny trailer and the look I gave him with those words I said them, he knew to be ready. Jennie came in and went to the utensil drawer and pulled out a knife. And I don’t know why but she looked at me and then my brother and she must of know we were ready to fight back with a vengeance, so she threatened to come back with shot guns as she left the trailer and jumped on the motor cycle that I bought her and drove off yelling in an Indian type scream!

Okay, NOW we are scared! And our adrelian is pumping; all we know is to get the fuck out of there before she came back. So we go to my trusted friend who has a crazy husband that would not think twice to kill someone like Jennie. We stayed the night… but I could feel Jennie out there somewhere.

We decide that it is time for me to leave Arizona that next morning when we got up. I found out that my brother carried a small hand gun when he traveled for safety, so he had a gun the whole time! Now how do we go back to get some of my things?? Maybe she won’t be there. We decide to go back to my house. It was getting so I could sense Jennies moods. And always the next day she was sorry about her actions.

I was thinking it would be okay, for one she didn’t want to hurt me in front of Rob as she would look bad! Lol And we would be very cautious.

So we drive back to the house and as we get to the trailer I see all my things already packed up in boxes and place outside in a neat pile next to the trailer!! I was like… oh shit! Cool! But.. I wonder how she is. Is she there? I tell Rob I have to go in and see. He doesn’t like the idea but we had to know before we started grabbing boxes.

So I open the door and I see her there on the couch with this solemn look. She has our bed blanket on her lap. And she says all I want is for you to sign your name on the blanket that I am going to keep and then you can take your things without incident and go. I said okay let me tell Rob what I am doing so he won’t worry and she nodded okay. Rob was worried when I told him but I said I think she will not cause any trouble as I said I can sense her moods. I went back in, and she had the area of the blanked where she wanted me to sign my name and a pen ready. So I did, I signed my name. I wrote Adele. And she did not look at me and I did not look at her. Then I went out the door and started to load my brothers volts wagon van up with all the boxes that were outside. He came and helped and in about ten minutes we were out of there.

We stopped at the hospital where I worked and I said I had a personal matter and would have to quit with notice that day. They suggested I take a leave of absence so if I decide to come back I would have my status. I knew I wasn’t coming back but I did the leave of absence anyway so as not to have to explain things. Then we left Phoenix AZ. My brother became my night in shinning armor as he had insisted that he was not going to leave me there in Arizona with that situation going on.

The way I feel if he had not come to visit and had not stuck by me I would have been dead.

Now this is the story of my life as I writing as things come up and some areas are not in chronicle order. As I write this story about Jennie I want to tell you also about some of the nice things and what kept me with her though out the abuse. Let us say that every one wants to be loved, so did she and so did I. We just did know that love was not a possession and in away her devotion to me as a possession I saw it as her loving me and I wanted to lover her but her anger made me afraid to trust her.

She could be quite fun and adventurous at times. She was Indian and had cool stories and her which craft she said she had was of Indian nature. She knew how to build a motor cycle out of a box of metal that she talked me into buying for her. She called it a basket bike.

She loved building it and before you knew it we had a cool chopper to ride around on! We took a trip from Arizona all the way to Texas to visit and old friend of mine. A lot of times before the abuse got worse I actually felt safe with her as she was very strong and not afraid of anybody. So that illusion felt good! LOL I had no idea that she had been violent her whole life so much so her family was afraid of her. Now she wanted to be a woman and was feeling very vulnerable as in being accepted as a woman. I actually liker her just the way she was, and thought she looked funny when she dresses as a woman and I was not sexually attractive to me when she would dress like that. I am sure she sensed this and that caused much of her anger. But then she was violent way before as a man. So there is really nothing “nice” about anything. But there were a few moments of good times and admiration, but way to much abuse. And I always thought she would stop. Then I remember the other women that I judged so harshly for staying with abusive men. They said, “ I always thought they would stop”

Years and years went by as I lived back in Ohio now and then moved on to NCY after about 6 months. I still feared Jennie was going to find me and take revenge for leaving. She even had my address at my parent’s house in Ohio and would write me and send me gifts and wanted to get back together because now she was working and had a job. Some of our fights use to be about that. She would not get a job and I would get upset to have to give her money all the time. Every letter I got put me into fear of her coming to get me. Night mares also. My mom finally said, honey to you want me to just throw out those letters and not tell you when they come? At first I didn’t want her to, only so I could get a feel from her words if she was going to maybe come to Ohio. But finally I was getting to upset when they kept coming I said okay to her suggestion.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Nine Months of Hell

I went to a Kiss concert one night by myself and took some acid or mushrooms something to get high not sure which one. I don’t remember much of the concert but after wards I went to my neighbor hood woman’s bar and met this person. She looked like a girl but something didn’t feel right. I was high and very interested in her. She was half Indian, I think Cherokee. And I was fascinated by something about her. Anyway I sat down at her table and we talked drank and did the bar thing. Then I asked if she was a girl or boy. She gave me this cool sat back in the chair look and said why don’t you find out. There was no facial hair at all because of Indian blood. She had tight jeans on but had no waist, like a women hips are larger and they have a waist. So I reached between her legs and felt for a dick.. I didn’t feel one.

She was acting very mysterious and said she was a witch… I got a bit freaked about that and even asked these two girls at the bar if they thought witches were real. They said yes very real. So now I was a bit scared but still fascinated and wanted to know more. We talked about it, I can’t remember now what she said but after the bar closed she came to my house and stayed the night. We started to have sex and then I found out she was a boy! I was freaked out and said why. Why do you want to be a lesbian and be with girls when you are a guy and can be with girls. Well she gave me this story that I don’t understand but said she had breasts because she smokes pot and she is living as a woman for 2 years and also taking hormones so she can have a sex change operation. Then she told me a bunch of other weird stories like she had a daughter and the daughter lived with her grandmother. I asked what about the mother and she said the mother died but was very vague about how she died or why she died. Then a sad story came out about that she had no where to live at the moment. And like the idiot nice person I was I felt sorry for her. And said she can stay at my house… Worst mistake in my life but life had to show me what I was accepting and allowing. Well I let her move in and it turned into a night mare.

I don’t even know where to start as so many crazy things happened.
Well one of the first weird scary things that happened was she pulled out a knife one night and had me pinned down on the bed so I could not move. Then she put the knife to my neck and ask me if I loved her!
Well hell what should I say?? No and get my neck slashed or yes and lie.. I think I know now what brought this on… I was a very independent person at the time or so I though I was. I did not want to be in a serious relationship with her as I just felt sorry for her and also I thought it was kind of cool to have a lover who was both man and woman. I got the dick and boobs! Shit what a weirdo I was. But actually it was me wanting to understand why I could not have an orgasm so I thought maybe this would be the trick. Anyway she felt this, that I wasn’t really interested in a relationship with her but in truth I was using her. So that is why I think she threatened me with the knife. Well I must of told her I loved her or said something that satisfied her enough not to kill me because I am still here.

But it didn’t stop the fear and abuse that I lived being with her, because she knew I was afraid of her now. My life with Jennie was only for 9 months but felt like 9 years as now every moment of my life I was in fear of her. Before I met her I use to hear about girls that had abusive boyfriends and or husbands and thought those women were really stupid to hang around and take that abuse. I thought that would never happen to me and my judgment of those women who allowed it was severe. I was so cool and so much smarter than them… And now here I was in this HELL that I so judged others for.

I only did stay 9 months, but what I saw was how difficult and terrifying it was to leave a situation like this. And I could only leave when I was so tired of my fear that I did not fear death and stood up. But actually this is not true. I finally found a fear she had! And was then able to use it and leave safely for that moment. But more about this later.

There are, like I said many stories that happened in this one short life of 9 months that could be a book on its own. I will tell a few of them. I use to go to work with black eyes often as she was very jealous and suspicious person. I never knew when she was going to get mad, it always seemed to be when I was relaxed for a moment and my attention was not on her but something else. So I was in fear of having fun. She was suspicious of any time I spent with anyone other than her. And I worked so she was suspicious of my work mates as well. I could not show any joy unless it had to do with her and I started to get distant from my friends because I was ashamed at what I got myself into and I was also afraid for myself and them as she had no problem to get into a physical fight with anyone with a knife or gun.
See this all started at the very beginning when I stood up for my independence when we first met. I got the crap beat out of me and she would scare most everyone around me as well. I tried to include her in my life with my other friends but always she would get weird and angry at every gathering if I left her side for one moment. I was really trapped and in fear of my life and my friends life as I felt I had no where to go with out jeopardizing my friends because Jennie would come and get me.
There was one or two of my friends who were not afraid of her and they could come around the house because actually Jennie was a bit afraid of them because they did not fear her. Well I still had this thing where I felt sorry for her and wanted to “help” and sometimes I thought I talked sense into her, getting her so see her ways and that being so jealous wasn’t cool. And then the times where I would get so pissed that she hit me that I was ready to leave and then she would cry and say she was sorry and never do it again. And then of course she did it again.

Then when I stopped believing she was going to change she started with she is going to killer her self and played the severe suicidal depression game and I bought into that for awhile. I remember being so scared for her! That I called the hospital help line for suicide because I though she was going to do it. I ended up being so upset about it that the person on the hot line asks me how I was doing and tried to calm me down!
Well I then fell for that for awhile. And one day she called me at work and said she took all these pills to kill herself with and I said why do you keep calling me to tell me this, what can I do about it, call 911. I get home and she was fine… but super pissed at me because I didn’t care. I am sure I got hit for that or something.

The weird and stupid thing is that twice I was away from her as in we broke up, but then she was cool and I would go back to her or forgive her. So I got to see first hand what these other women did as I was doing the same exact thing.
Now this type of life was starting to get to me. I was getting sick from worry and a stomach ulcer was starting. I was now living with her alone in a small trailer home in Arizona. Her and me in this small freakin house alone together.
This is now after much drama like her killing my cat, the only thing in my life that was important to me and she knew it. She told me my cat ran away but I know my cat didn’t. That is another story. And the time we went on a trip with other people to Mexico and she chased me with an ax, but thank god one of the girls ran after her and tackled her so she would not catch me… Not to mention the extremely intense ride back from Mexico as now all of us being together in a van for hours trying not to get Jennie upset! Then the time Jennie gave a person her gun that was staying with us at my house. The person was a heroin attic, and she got pissed one night at the bouncer of a club because he would not let her in as she was under age. Now she wanted a gun so she can shoot him! So Jennie gives her, her gun and this girl goes back to the club and hid in the bushed across from the door and waits until the bouncer comes out and then she shoots him!
I do not remember if that bouncer died or not. But I then get upset at Jennie for giving this person who is high and fucked up and angry a gun. Jennie said she didn’t think she was going to really do it. But then… opps …later I get the shit kicked out of me for saying she was stupid to have let her have the gun.

So these are just some of the every day stuff that went on during that time.
Now back to the little trailer we now lived in as this was the start of the end as it was the last place I lived with her. I had bought a book called the Impersonal Life; I think it was published by Devorss & Company, the same ones who published Masters of the Far East. One night I was in our tiny little bed reading it with Jennie lying next to me. Now I was really into this book. It was an amazing point of waking up for me. As you read this book it talks about God and then it says as you reading it, it is you writing it as God, then it says as you are thinking God it is you as God thinking! For one split second that seemed like forever I felt God as me! Then just as fast I was back to Adele’s world. But that experience never left me and my search for what the hell was that am I god?? Anyway now I notice Jennie next to me and I can feel her agitation as I was not in her world. I could feel her anger starting to boil with out even looking at her as her head and eyes were away from me. I thought I have to get out of here; she is going to go off on me any second. I had to figure out how to get out of the bed without showing fear because then she would know I knew what she wanted to do. So I said I have to go pee I’ll be right back. Now the toilet is only like 6 yards away. Two big leaps and your there. However it was located towards the door to exit the trailer. So I go into the bathroom and sit there for a moment knowing that as soon as I get out she is going to beat the crap out of me… And now fear is setting in. And she can smell that. So I push open the bathroom door turn to the right, push open the front door and run full speed with pajamas on. And shit if she isn’t just a few yards away behind me. Now one thing I know is she has a fear of people knowing about her. Like that thing were someone is nice to you in public, but then beats the crap out of you at home… So I run to the road that was just beyond the foliage by the trailer homes. A car was coming just at that moment and I ran out into the street right in front of that car with my arms out waving at them to stop, and in my mind I’d rather get hit by that car than have to face her anger. Amazingly enough Jennie stopped running after me and hid in the foliage just by the road and watched as the car stopped and I just ran to the door and pushed some person over and jumped in and yelled DRIVE NOW! And omg they did! It was a bunch of younger kids driving around getting high and drinking and they thought this was really cool as they were whisking away this unknown person running for there life. And they offer me a joint. Haha funny now. I had them take me to my friends’ house one of the only ones that was not afraid of her and she said I hope she does come for you because I will blow her head off. She lived out side of the city with her husband and was my supervisor at work. But a supper cool friend who did not take crap from anyone. Unlike myself! Shit I was the crap taker. Let me have your shit so I wont see my own. I’d rather be known as the person who cares about shit than the one who stands up to it. Pfff
More to this story but you'll have to buy my book!
and i know lots of typins mis takes
LOL
S

Friday, April 11, 2008

defining ourselves

How would we be if we did not define our selfs. I noticed when I woke up this morning, well as I became aware that I was not sleeping anymore you know when things are still groggy as it feels like quatom thoughts like they are all happing at the same time and then the mind wants to interpret them. It is the same as waking up and remembering your dream, but I do not have abstract dreams much anymore, I wake up with thoughts just like the day is continuing from the previous day. Its like I wake up talking to myself. And this morning I was thinking gee what a good time to script my day, just as I am waking up in a dream like time. So I said to myself..today I will be productive..and then I realized that I had to define the word productive. So I defined it as not having feelings of guilt for the day. And what that pertains to me at the moment is, I have 3 things that I want to do a day. One is to write everyday here on my blog, two is to write my book which I have great resistance for some reason, and three to respond to posts on the open forum. Actually I have resistance to all of these. And as I searched for reasons why I would have resistance ... umm one just came up now, and that was, "people judging my writing" and what I have to say. I would want people to like it and would not want any confrontations. So this is really a stupid reason, because my whole life I had fantasies about writing a book about my life! But I would never start it. And now I have people that are urging me too and even saying it is one of my biggest transcending points!

Well ha ha, I got off the subject of "what if we did not define our selfs?"
Or did I?? Anyway, If we had no definition of ourself or our life we would be free. But this freedom is scary to people because if they didn't have a mind definition of them selves they feel they would become nothing and the ego can not take that. So anyway think about who you would be with out defining your self, you can start by listing what you think you are. Okay I am going to do that also. Till next time. :-)

Monday, April 7, 2008

Some SF

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am sick
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath thus causing lung problems
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breath
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am tired and not embrace life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was sick and had mono as a kid
I forgive myself that I live in the mind and prgrastinate all thing s that are good for me
I for give myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself with life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the believe in procrastination
I for give myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of life and to believe it is sad and horrible
I forgive myself that I always want life to be easy and I look for the easy way out that I do not push for the things that are good for me meaning supporting life and everyone .
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not suport my body thus by my thinking and believing in the mind my body is sick
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate everything I have to do and look at all I have to as a nucense and a bother
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself and to judge myself constantly insead of celebrating life and being greatful
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly judge myself, which is just the mind program
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the mind program telling me I am not good enough
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the mind telling me nothing is good enough
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the mind as who I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the mind as defining who I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so judgmental with myself, when that is not who I am but it is a mind program meant to enslave mankind
I now stand up to the mind.
What the mind says is only a program and not who I am.
I will stop this repedative pattern that is so obvious that we do not even notice it.
I now stand up to the mind
Procrastination and judgment are not who I am, it is only a mind program and not who I am
I now stand up to the program and Live Life aways.

I forgive myself that i HAVE ACCEPTED AND ALLOWED myself to believe that there are good days and then there are bad days
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jerked around by the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that I can be jerked around by the mind system tell me there are good days and bad, thus causing judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait until my life turns into a crisis before I will take care of things that support me as life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not relaxed and get stress over self movement

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Moving movement

I am excited about the move I an going to make. Very interesting. I knew the loss of my job was life pushing me. And as I prepare to leave Portland, a city I really like...but not my destine, I have gotten rid of many things that I have been holding on to as in things and system dreams. I am down to about 3 books (shit I had many!) and I sold my car I had for 20yrs! And my bed, it wont fit in the van lol. I am moving back with my brother, which I have had fear about, but I am confident it is a transformation process
As I think he is my only tie left as the "family construct" and a chance to stand up to my own beliefs about this. And the way it is unfolding is interesting....it is all just falling into place...Example, I have 2 cars a Van and a small dodge colt that I brought bran new in 1988...I have been having a hard time to let this car go but knew I had too as I can not have 2 cars anymore. And just the other day someone came out of the blue and wanted to buy it! I had no adds up yet.
Interesting physical movement = within self movement.
So today I load up the van and tomorrow I am on my way, and then...who knows! Life knows!

Friday, March 28, 2008

Understanding Self Hate

I started writing my book again yesterday. And I wrote how I felt responsible for killing my dog. I put that post under self assistance...
All I have been doing is crying on and off since yesterday. Now this huge overwhelm feeling of sadness and regret and sorrow is coming up...I am feeling so tired of myself..and I know it is not me..It is the mind that I am soo tired of. I have been hiding for so long from my real expressions.. pretending to be something that I am not. Pretending to be a certain way so I can be approved by someone. Even "trying" to fit to the desteni crowd.. it is exhausting battle with this mind stuff. I am so hard on myself and I judge myself constantly..I had not idea how much I do that to myself. It like I can not leave myself alone from judgment. And because I judge myself I judge others so every where I look or be is some form of judgment..even it is a positive judgment... it is still a judgment. Bernard said that I have alot of remorse that I have not sorted out.
Remorse : a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs.

And I see now that this is about the guilt that I had towards myself. I never had any respect for me. I never respected me.. I was the most horrible to myself..I had very little respect for my life, so I abused me. I put myself down, I need be told by someone else I was Olay..but then I do not believe them, I almost hate it when they say it.. So I would search for the admiration to me and then reject it. And that was what my whole life was about ..All of it. That was my only motivation to live..
I can relate to Marylin M now,,and why she wanted me to write about this...
That search for respect and admiration and refusal to accept it. What a sad life..I was so close to killing myself with drugs and alcohol so many times... some times I think that maybe I did kill myself and I am just living in this mind loop. Because I don't understand how many close calls I had and I am still here... or am I? Well I am still here in with what I have accepted and allowed of myself..
It is funny when you write like this , it just seems to flow and write it self.
So right now I am in remorse....omg...how could I why did I hate me so much? Was it a design that I accepted? Can this remorse ever go away for real? With it just not being an avoidance from the mind? Because that has been what it was. Mind diversion techniques, and I would think I am okay, then underneath with my actions I realy wasn't okay. The your okay from the mind is a diversion from self to see what you are creating. And the pain of self hatred is covered up by drugs and alcohol. I was young then and didnt understand this. I had no idea that , that was why I "partyed" like that all the time. It was just what me and my gang did. But I do remember that feeling of angzity and fear of wanting to fit in.. Be accepted.
Thank you.

Monday, March 24, 2008

WORLD has gone MAD

WORLD has gone MAD
When I watch the
Desteni videos on how fucked up the world is,,I want to show everyone..but they get afraid and do not want to see it..They pretend and tell themselves over and over every day how wonderful “there” reality is..Like they have to convince themselves and afraid if they don’t convince themselves that “there “ reality is Okay, they will end up as one of the statistic of the world “out there.”
I use to think like this as well..but came to realize thru common sense that the world is not getting better and all my attempts to not see it were self serving, originating out of fear for my own self survival…every man for them self.. But as I tried to live my meager life and do “positive thinking” I realize that this very positive thinking had the starting point of fear.. I didn't’ want a reality like there's…it fuckin scared me to be honest. So create a supposed “safe” little environment around me and hopefully friends .. where we didn't’ have to look at it, “ignore" it and it will go away… But something in side of me did not feel right about this .. and I thought ohh, you are not doing it right, you are not staying positive … But then I thought, can I REALLY have a good life while others are suffering? I looked honesty into this …as I did not want to face this. I could not truly be happy when others are suffering … I would have to be constantly “pivoting” my thoughts..ohh don’t look there..oops don’t look there..you might create it.. Then even after death would I be free of this? Would I look down upon the earth and see the suffering gone? No .. I would have saved my own Ass in an illusionary deceptions ..again..not wanting to see. Now what kind of “eternal life would this be?? Fucked..


Posted on youtube in response to

The WORLD has gone MAD!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdnl4YAsYoY

Very well said.
Thank you for this, I hope people will wake up see there self dishonesty and how everything they create is from the starting point of lack. Believing in lack, we sacrifice ourselfs, other humans, and the earth for our own self serving needs.
Adele

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Sneaky Fear Enslavement

Hi all,
SF=Self Forgiveness
SH= Self Honesty

Since being with Desteni , I started Nov 2, Gee almost 4 months!

I have noticed "things" just do not slip by anymore. By that I mean, I question most everything I am thinking when I can catch myself thinking! LOL. I have changed, I quit drinking as I used to do it for entertainment and out of boredom. I am never bored but I do get tired of what sometimes feels like battles with the mind to get it to shut up. I will take a break then, watch some TV or movies or work around the house.
I got fired from my job a month ago, and I am waiting to see if I get Unemployment. I know it is going to be okay either way, if I get it or not. But fucking mind is loving this one! That fear to take the necessary action. So I will do SF on this one. Haha I am noticing the more you do SF the more there is! But I am just a baby at this. Almost every day for a moment I want to quit and go back to ignorance... But what come to mind is the scene in theMatrix where Neo is in the car with them and they say..Neo you already know where that road leads! I can never go back, I rather take the unknown road than given in to the the world of the mind systems. I just want to not give into this fear of having no money! Gee this is a deep one because it is needed for our very survival in the physical. Yet it is such a system fuck! Well anyway I just wanted to share.
Thanks all for being here

PS: before I was going to post the above ...>>
I had a good discussion today. It was about self moving self...And I see now that is really the only problem I am having about the money issue! I procrastinate about doing things, thus creating fear instead of taking action. I have lots of opportunity and ways I can support myself, but instead to take action , I sit and worry about it. yuck! I am tired of this mind fuck.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in worry instead of just taking action.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to listen to the mind as in taking me out of the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to indulge in the mind instead of being here with the breath
I forgive myself that I have been doing this most of my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the mind put me all over the place to escape what is to be done in the moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to engage in worry and thus not living life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind to tell me there is a better time to do something..like wait untill you are inpisred so it will be fun. But then the doing only then comes out of necessity
and relief because I finally did it. And I get only a moment of relief until the next struggle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is just "who I am" and I did not see it as another trick of the mind to keep me enslaved to fear and worry
I forgive myself that I have such a hard time to push though this..
I forgive myself that I accept that I have a hard time with this
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is hard to do.

I really want the mind to go away and let me live life with out fear and worry.... I am not the mind!
I am not the mind! I am not the mind. The mind is not who I am.
I now take action and move self for self.

Okay, that was cool!
Enjoy!

Enslavement

What are emotions?

This Explanation came from Desteni FAQ
http://desteni.co.za/

Emotions - together with thoughts, feelings, pictures, ideas – the mind in general was placed within each being so that we are able to be controlled and directed and never stand clear as free individuals – free from consciousness. Imagine yourself not experiencing any emotions within your participation in this world amongst others? Imagine what would happen when you state I desire, need or want nothing? Would anybody or anything be able to control or direct you? When the White Light was placed within each being's basic neurological system as mind consciousness systems (your neurology that directs you), at the same time as a generator (to move you) was placed all emotions. That way you are always feeding consciousness which then in turn feeds the constructs linked to our enslavement (systems, the White Light and global consciousness). What I am stating here specifically is that if you allow yourself to delve into the mind and participate within emotions – you are constantly feeding the mind consciousness system within you, giving this all your power to remain enslaved and controlled by consciousness systems as what you become. When our enslavement occurred the mind consciousness was placed within each being, the construct of emotion as power generator of the mind consciousness was placed to ensure that we are always able to be controlled. Imagine a world without emotions? Imagine for one moment you could stand infinitely without anything moving you and directing you within and as who you are. That is where the human looses each and every time, because they have a dependency on something outside themselves because we are encouraged by emotions, we move through emotions, we direct ourselves through emotions. We are taught by our parents through following their example of how to experience ourselves within this world – how to survive, defend and protect ourselves through reactive behaviours such as emotions. All taught, followed and learned mechanisms as our personality and behaviour of who we are which is based within the experience of ourselves as emotions. If I experience the emotional expression of anger then I want to either feed my anger even more, meaning I will then do whatever it takes to attach more emotions to my anger by instigating it even more – turning the experience of emotion into an addiction of sorts by finding ways to justify the reactive behavior. Or I strive to alleviate anger by thinking thoughts of peace – initiating in this way the suppression of emotions instead of finding the true cause and reason for the reactive behavior by example anger to not again allow myself to return to such reactive behavior patterns. Either way it tends to create a new set of emotions around either anger or peace, generating more and more for our own enslavement. Because the more suppression is allowed – inevitably the expression of anger will be quite an explosive event. Are you a being experience reactive expressions as emotional behavior patterns such as anger for instance or are you just constant, here, therefore nothing moves you as who you are, neither polarity as outside events drawing you toward experiencing further emotions through reactive expressions as emotions? You see as long as we have these emotions we are slaves to those that ‘play' our emotions. War will exist within this world due to the compound emotional reactive behaviors within all human beings in this world – attached to the global consciousness system. That which we are within – manifest without – the image and likeness of who we are is that which we are busy creating within this world. And if I honestly have to have a look – it's not saying much about who we are and what's going on within ourselves. Isn't is possible that those who specifically experience war, murder, violence etc. are merely outer manifestations of examples of that which we allow and accept within ourselves within this world. Instead of understanding their reasons or assisting them – we design protection establishments against such actions and through this justifying and denying that which exist within us portrayed within the outside world. In turn assist us in remaining within our emotional reactive behaviors feeding consciousness systems instead of doing something about it to once and for all stop such emotional behavior expressions and stop the feeding of consciousness systems. Because we have defined ourselves as emotional reactive behaviors – we wish to remain within it and use justification to do so. Therefore when the president declares war for instance we either agree or disagree based on our attachment to a particular emotion as a self defined belief of what is right and what is wrong based on our upbringing as a child. Same within everything that exists in this world, we base on our emotional attachment; therefore you are able to be controlled and directed by something outside of yourself through emotional reactive behavior. The minute someone or something has the ability to move or direct you according to your emotion you have to become aware of the fact that they have just trapped you. Are you directing yourself or are you being directed? Emotions are but energetic experiences as the generator and power source of mind consciousness systems – the more you feed consciousness through your participation and allowance in reactive behaviors the more you become it and ingrain yourself within it.


Only you as who you really are is able to decide who and what you are to be, nothing limits you except consciousness. Consciousness also keeps you practicing certain application as I have mentioned to be able to feed all systems globally. Your participation in this world without standing as awareness is enslavement. When you are caught up in words, feelings, thoughts, believes, expectations and you will live according to these things –enslavement. Not understanding within awareness your own creations and how you came to be, how you direct your life and why – enslavement. Practically I understand that to be aware of what is happening and acting on what it is you have come to understand is not always easy.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

On Feeling Guilty

I learned something again about myself with the help of Desteni. We are assisting and supporting ourself's to be free of the mind, and know our true selves like I explained on the home page of my blog. I found myself in the throws of guilt the other day. So I want to share that, and the process with it.I also want to say that daily and I mean every day since joining Desteni I have seen areas constantly where I am living in the mind and not freedom. And it takes more than just "seeing" them. I takes brutle self honesty and writing and self forgiveness to correct this. I will post articals on that. I didn't realize this before as I just used avoidance to get out of negative thoughts. Avoidance of theses thoughts only gives them more strength. They all have to be dealt with or they go on living in our unconscious mind and manifesting in the world. Anyway this is a process I went through the other day:>>

Question from me:
Hi Jack yes, this is not clear>>.

This is epically tricky for me when the feeling of guilt comes up.

As I was noticing my thoughts I would catch the emotion or feeling of quilt coming up.

So I said NO do not feel that. It is of the mind.

Yet another part of me thinks that this guilt can be used to take action. Example, I am not doing self forgiveness... I feel guilty so I do it ...I feel better.

Then there is another part of guilt that pertains to the past. Like something you already did and wish you did not do. That does not feel good, I use the STOP this is mind .
That past quilt can stops movement.

It is like this feeling of guilt is coming up all the time lately! Like my whole existence feels as it is of quilt. I feel guilty in every moment thinking I am responsible for every thought, like I am in a panic all the time and will not allow me to rest for fear I am not doing enough, or that I am even doing to much. Awww! gee..
....
I would appreciate your perspective on this.
Thanks.

Answer:>>>

Quote:
As I was noticing my thoughts I would catch the emotion or feeling of quilt coming up.

So I said NO do not feel that. It is of the mind.


Here I’d suggest considering your starting point – have a look at ‘defining thoughts as being wrong/bad’ and within this manifesting a fear towards thoughts. Then together with the fear of them – when you ‘miss a thought’ – you ‘feel guilty’, because at the same time you realise to assist and support you, it is for you to stand up and not accept and allow thoughts.
Now, because you’ve judged the thought before you’ve even stopped the thought because of fear towards the thought and you didn’t stop the thought to stand up for you within you = you experience guilt. Thus = a manifested geometrical mind-pattern circulation within which you exist. The origin being this sentence as your current starting point: I am supposed to stop this thought, because I know it’s not who I am, but I fear this thought and judge this thought before I even apply me and then feel guilty when I did not’.

Therefore – clear your starting point: I am assisting and supporting me by standing up within me through stopping my thoughts. Then self forgiveness on fearing thoughts/judging thoughts.

Adele – when you say: NO! or STOP! an it is not an absolute statement of you – with no reaction within it – then it is effective – when it is not so – it is not effective. Then here self forgiveness is necessary – to not ‘delude’ yourself into ‘thinking’ you are standing up – be certain within you.

In applying as suggested with regards to the starting point – your starting point must be you for you – herein the NO! and STOP! will become effective.

Quote:
Yet another part of me thinks that this guilt can be used to take action. Example, I am not doing self forgiveness... I feel guilty so I do it ...I feel better.


I’d suggest not – the ‘feeling better’ is the ‘feeling of satisfaction of the mind’ because you’ve herein suppressed the guilt further within you – perceiving it to have gone away – but you’ve actually compounded it which is also one of the reasons why guilt has come up so prominently within you – because you’ve given it attention.

See, within this application – you’re making guilt the starting point – instead of you directing you in the moment. Your starting point must be you: I am applying self forgiveness for me to assist and support me within and as my individual process of stopping the mind and realizing me. Within this – you are the starting point.

I’d also suggest to have a look at why you’re accepting/allowing you to ‘feel guilty’ in not applying self forgiveness, because guilt can only exist when you understand the necessity and importance for self forgiveness for you within and as your individual process – but allow the mind to intervene/interfere and then not do it – which is the actual reason why guilt would exist: That you know you’re allowing the mind to influence your process.

So – have a specific look at where and how you’re allowing the mind to influence you to not apply self forgiveness – then you push you to apply self forgiveness for you.

Quote:
Then there is another part of guilt that pertains to the past. Like something you already did and wish you did not do. That does not feel good, I use the STOP this is mind .
That past quilt can stops movement.


With regards to the past – the STOP application is not effective – the STOP application is only effective in the moment here – with regards to the past – specific self forgiveness is required as the past constructs/event/moments are manifested within and as your human physical body and only effective self forgiveness and self application will release it within and as you.

Quote:
It is like this feeling of guilt is coming up all the time lately! Like my whole existence feels as it is of quilt. I feel guilty in every moment thinking I am responsible for every thought, like I am in a panic all the time and will not allow me to rest for fear I am not doing enough, or that I am even doing to much. Awww! gee..
.... Well thanks Jack for asking that cause now that I am writing this I am feeling a rest, I see I have to do SF on guilt. Man, it is debilitating!
I would appreciate your perspective on this.
Thanks.


Of course you are responsible for you and what you accept/allow within and as you – but this responsibility is the realization of and within and as you that you’re able to stand up and stop – no guilt necessary or required, it’s you realising your responsibility towards you – within this, you stop what has been accepted and allowed within you.

The reason why the guilt has come up so much is because within your application you’ve been ‘feeding it’ as I explained above – therefore, have to clear your starting point again to be you for you as you alone.