Monday, June 9, 2008

Nine Months of Hell Part 2

Why I am not Dead

I think that was when she called me with the suicide threat at my work. I did not come home after those people took me to my friend’s house. So now she wanted me to come home and say good by to her because she took pills to die. Well like I said when I go home she was fine.

The next event I remember was the time my Dad and brother were coming out this way from Ohio to visit. My Dad went to see his brothers in California and my brother came to visit me. I knew this was not going to go over well as now there was someone in the house and Jennie could not stand to not have my attention for very long as she knew I wanted to leave her. Now my brother or family did not know any of this was going on as I was afraid to tell anyone because she knows when I talk about her. It was the strangest thing.. Her knowing I wanted to leave but I had so much fear about she fed off of it and kept the fear going within in her as anger and me as fear. Anyway company was coming! And she would have to hold her anger in front of them which really pissed her off even more. Well me my brother Jennie and another friend decided to go on a little trip together to show Rob around the cool places in Arizona. We went to a town about 90 minutes away and had drinks and food. I was having fun being with my brother and on the way home her anger started to show. She made such a fuss about something that she wanted out of the car, so we pulled over and let her out and I was happy to leave her there. See now I had some courage as my brother was there and she was afraid of men and also did not want to really be a ass and hit me in front of him. But she got back in the car. It was nite and along road back to home.

Oh before I end this episode tidbit story I have to tell you what I found out about her! One day we went to visit Jennie family. I remember her mom was there and one of her sisters and maybe her brother. Jennies real name was Willard. Well the family was acting pretty weird. At the time I didn’t get it because I did not know Jennie for that long and thought her anger episodes were just that. Just a few times she freaked out on me. After we left the house I thought gee they seem afraid of her.

They were not very welcoming, thou the mom tried to be but I could feel she didn’t want Jennie there. Later that year I saw Jennies sister out at a club and I said why didn’t you warn me about her! She said she could not because Jennie would find out if they did and come and hurt them. I tried to find out what happened to Jennies wife when she was a man and the sister just looked at me and said she did not know how she died and would not talk about it. Now how can you not know how a family member died! Then I heard that Jennie as Willard use to be in the Skull motorcycle gang. And they were pretty ruthless. I was told they actually shot up some café on a side road out in the county and killed some people. So shit.. now I remember why I was so scared of her and I wanted to get away with out anyone getting hurt.

Okay back to the story

So she got back in the car and we made it home with unnerving

silence. I was trying to give hints to my brother that I was with a nut case and to be careful. I could tell he was a bit like what the fuck is up with this person and my brother hasn’t seen me for along time so had no clue what he was getting into.

We got home late at nite. Rob got out of the car and went in the house so me and Jennie could talk. Well it was an argument and for the first time I hit her first! It felt good… but then she gave me a kick so hard in the leg that I ended up have a 12 inch bruise on my thigh! I was not so proud then and thought to myself you stupid why did you puncher.

Now she was really mad. I hurried into the trailer and I said Rob be on guard this person is mad and this is serious, as that is all I had time to say before she came in the house. My brother was sitting on the couch in our tiny trailer and the look I gave him with those words I said them, he knew to be ready. Jennie came in and went to the utensil drawer and pulled out a knife. And I don’t know why but she looked at me and then my brother and she must of know we were ready to fight back with a vengeance, so she threatened to come back with shot guns as she left the trailer and jumped on the motor cycle that I bought her and drove off yelling in an Indian type scream!

Okay, NOW we are scared! And our adrelian is pumping; all we know is to get the fuck out of there before she came back. So we go to my trusted friend who has a crazy husband that would not think twice to kill someone like Jennie. We stayed the night… but I could feel Jennie out there somewhere.

We decide that it is time for me to leave Arizona that next morning when we got up. I found out that my brother carried a small hand gun when he traveled for safety, so he had a gun the whole time! Now how do we go back to get some of my things?? Maybe she won’t be there. We decide to go back to my house. It was getting so I could sense Jennies moods. And always the next day she was sorry about her actions.

I was thinking it would be okay, for one she didn’t want to hurt me in front of Rob as she would look bad! Lol And we would be very cautious.

So we drive back to the house and as we get to the trailer I see all my things already packed up in boxes and place outside in a neat pile next to the trailer!! I was like… oh shit! Cool! But.. I wonder how she is. Is she there? I tell Rob I have to go in and see. He doesn’t like the idea but we had to know before we started grabbing boxes.

So I open the door and I see her there on the couch with this solemn look. She has our bed blanket on her lap. And she says all I want is for you to sign your name on the blanket that I am going to keep and then you can take your things without incident and go. I said okay let me tell Rob what I am doing so he won’t worry and she nodded okay. Rob was worried when I told him but I said I think she will not cause any trouble as I said I can sense her moods. I went back in, and she had the area of the blanked where she wanted me to sign my name and a pen ready. So I did, I signed my name. I wrote Adele. And she did not look at me and I did not look at her. Then I went out the door and started to load my brothers volts wagon van up with all the boxes that were outside. He came and helped and in about ten minutes we were out of there.

We stopped at the hospital where I worked and I said I had a personal matter and would have to quit with notice that day. They suggested I take a leave of absence so if I decide to come back I would have my status. I knew I wasn’t coming back but I did the leave of absence anyway so as not to have to explain things. Then we left Phoenix AZ. My brother became my night in shinning armor as he had insisted that he was not going to leave me there in Arizona with that situation going on.

The way I feel if he had not come to visit and had not stuck by me I would have been dead.

Now this is the story of my life as I writing as things come up and some areas are not in chronicle order. As I write this story about Jennie I want to tell you also about some of the nice things and what kept me with her though out the abuse. Let us say that every one wants to be loved, so did she and so did I. We just did know that love was not a possession and in away her devotion to me as a possession I saw it as her loving me and I wanted to lover her but her anger made me afraid to trust her.

She could be quite fun and adventurous at times. She was Indian and had cool stories and her which craft she said she had was of Indian nature. She knew how to build a motor cycle out of a box of metal that she talked me into buying for her. She called it a basket bike.

She loved building it and before you knew it we had a cool chopper to ride around on! We took a trip from Arizona all the way to Texas to visit and old friend of mine. A lot of times before the abuse got worse I actually felt safe with her as she was very strong and not afraid of anybody. So that illusion felt good! LOL I had no idea that she had been violent her whole life so much so her family was afraid of her. Now she wanted to be a woman and was feeling very vulnerable as in being accepted as a woman. I actually liker her just the way she was, and thought she looked funny when she dresses as a woman and I was not sexually attractive to me when she would dress like that. I am sure she sensed this and that caused much of her anger. But then she was violent way before as a man. So there is really nothing “nice” about anything. But there were a few moments of good times and admiration, but way to much abuse. And I always thought she would stop. Then I remember the other women that I judged so harshly for staying with abusive men. They said, “ I always thought they would stop”

Years and years went by as I lived back in Ohio now and then moved on to NCY after about 6 months. I still feared Jennie was going to find me and take revenge for leaving. She even had my address at my parent’s house in Ohio and would write me and send me gifts and wanted to get back together because now she was working and had a job. Some of our fights use to be about that. She would not get a job and I would get upset to have to give her money all the time. Every letter I got put me into fear of her coming to get me. Night mares also. My mom finally said, honey to you want me to just throw out those letters and not tell you when they come? At first I didn’t want her to, only so I could get a feel from her words if she was going to maybe come to Ohio. But finally I was getting to upset when they kept coming I said okay to her suggestion.


marlenlife said...

Thanks for sharing Adele

It's funny to see how people that at some point were "all" in our life get to be reduced to ashes of past as memories and pictures stored in mind. Woha the stuff you lived.. better than any movie in the movies... damn that white light got an oscar for your script eh!

Dale said...


Leila said...

Anu and his buddies must have had some fun programming your life!

toxni said...

Think of it this way, because you exist everyone else can be safe and happy. lol