Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Sneaky Fear Enslavement

Hi all,
SF=Self Forgiveness
SH= Self Honesty

Since being with Desteni , I started Nov 2, Gee almost 4 months!

I have noticed "things" just do not slip by anymore. By that I mean, I question most everything I am thinking when I can catch myself thinking! LOL. I have changed, I quit drinking as I used to do it for entertainment and out of boredom. I am never bored but I do get tired of what sometimes feels like battles with the mind to get it to shut up. I will take a break then, watch some TV or movies or work around the house.
I got fired from my job a month ago, and I am waiting to see if I get Unemployment. I know it is going to be okay either way, if I get it or not. But fucking mind is loving this one! That fear to take the necessary action. So I will do SF on this one. Haha I am noticing the more you do SF the more there is! But I am just a baby at this. Almost every day for a moment I want to quit and go back to ignorance... But what come to mind is the scene in theMatrix where Neo is in the car with them and they say..Neo you already know where that road leads! I can never go back, I rather take the unknown road than given in to the the world of the mind systems. I just want to not give into this fear of having no money! Gee this is a deep one because it is needed for our very survival in the physical. Yet it is such a system fuck! Well anyway I just wanted to share.
Thanks all for being here

PS: before I was going to post the above ...>>
I had a good discussion today. It was about self moving self...And I see now that is really the only problem I am having about the money issue! I procrastinate about doing things, thus creating fear instead of taking action. I have lots of opportunity and ways I can support myself, but instead to take action , I sit and worry about it. yuck! I am tired of this mind fuck.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in worry instead of just taking action.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to listen to the mind as in taking me out of the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to indulge in the mind instead of being here with the breath
I forgive myself that I have been doing this most of my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let the mind put me all over the place to escape what is to be done in the moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to engage in worry and thus not living life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind to tell me there is a better time to do something..like wait untill you are inpisred so it will be fun. But then the doing only then comes out of necessity
and relief because I finally did it. And I get only a moment of relief until the next struggle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is just "who I am" and I did not see it as another trick of the mind to keep me enslaved to fear and worry
I forgive myself that I have such a hard time to push though this..
I forgive myself that I accept that I have a hard time with this
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is hard to do.

I really want the mind to go away and let me live life with out fear and worry.... I am not the mind!
I am not the mind! I am not the mind. The mind is not who I am.
I now take action and move self for self.

Okay, that was cool!


What are emotions?

This Explanation came from Desteni FAQ

Emotions - together with thoughts, feelings, pictures, ideas – the mind in general was placed within each being so that we are able to be controlled and directed and never stand clear as free individuals – free from consciousness. Imagine yourself not experiencing any emotions within your participation in this world amongst others? Imagine what would happen when you state I desire, need or want nothing? Would anybody or anything be able to control or direct you? When the White Light was placed within each being's basic neurological system as mind consciousness systems (your neurology that directs you), at the same time as a generator (to move you) was placed all emotions. That way you are always feeding consciousness which then in turn feeds the constructs linked to our enslavement (systems, the White Light and global consciousness). What I am stating here specifically is that if you allow yourself to delve into the mind and participate within emotions – you are constantly feeding the mind consciousness system within you, giving this all your power to remain enslaved and controlled by consciousness systems as what you become. When our enslavement occurred the mind consciousness was placed within each being, the construct of emotion as power generator of the mind consciousness was placed to ensure that we are always able to be controlled. Imagine a world without emotions? Imagine for one moment you could stand infinitely without anything moving you and directing you within and as who you are. That is where the human looses each and every time, because they have a dependency on something outside themselves because we are encouraged by emotions, we move through emotions, we direct ourselves through emotions. We are taught by our parents through following their example of how to experience ourselves within this world – how to survive, defend and protect ourselves through reactive behaviours such as emotions. All taught, followed and learned mechanisms as our personality and behaviour of who we are which is based within the experience of ourselves as emotions. If I experience the emotional expression of anger then I want to either feed my anger even more, meaning I will then do whatever it takes to attach more emotions to my anger by instigating it even more – turning the experience of emotion into an addiction of sorts by finding ways to justify the reactive behavior. Or I strive to alleviate anger by thinking thoughts of peace – initiating in this way the suppression of emotions instead of finding the true cause and reason for the reactive behavior by example anger to not again allow myself to return to such reactive behavior patterns. Either way it tends to create a new set of emotions around either anger or peace, generating more and more for our own enslavement. Because the more suppression is allowed – inevitably the expression of anger will be quite an explosive event. Are you a being experience reactive expressions as emotional behavior patterns such as anger for instance or are you just constant, here, therefore nothing moves you as who you are, neither polarity as outside events drawing you toward experiencing further emotions through reactive expressions as emotions? You see as long as we have these emotions we are slaves to those that ‘play' our emotions. War will exist within this world due to the compound emotional reactive behaviors within all human beings in this world – attached to the global consciousness system. That which we are within – manifest without – the image and likeness of who we are is that which we are busy creating within this world. And if I honestly have to have a look – it's not saying much about who we are and what's going on within ourselves. Isn't is possible that those who specifically experience war, murder, violence etc. are merely outer manifestations of examples of that which we allow and accept within ourselves within this world. Instead of understanding their reasons or assisting them – we design protection establishments against such actions and through this justifying and denying that which exist within us portrayed within the outside world. In turn assist us in remaining within our emotional reactive behaviors feeding consciousness systems instead of doing something about it to once and for all stop such emotional behavior expressions and stop the feeding of consciousness systems. Because we have defined ourselves as emotional reactive behaviors – we wish to remain within it and use justification to do so. Therefore when the president declares war for instance we either agree or disagree based on our attachment to a particular emotion as a self defined belief of what is right and what is wrong based on our upbringing as a child. Same within everything that exists in this world, we base on our emotional attachment; therefore you are able to be controlled and directed by something outside of yourself through emotional reactive behavior. The minute someone or something has the ability to move or direct you according to your emotion you have to become aware of the fact that they have just trapped you. Are you directing yourself or are you being directed? Emotions are but energetic experiences as the generator and power source of mind consciousness systems – the more you feed consciousness through your participation and allowance in reactive behaviors the more you become it and ingrain yourself within it.

Only you as who you really are is able to decide who and what you are to be, nothing limits you except consciousness. Consciousness also keeps you practicing certain application as I have mentioned to be able to feed all systems globally. Your participation in this world without standing as awareness is enslavement. When you are caught up in words, feelings, thoughts, believes, expectations and you will live according to these things –enslavement. Not understanding within awareness your own creations and how you came to be, how you direct your life and why – enslavement. Practically I understand that to be aware of what is happening and acting on what it is you have come to understand is not always easy.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

On Feeling Guilty

I learned something again about myself with the help of Desteni. We are assisting and supporting ourself's to be free of the mind, and know our true selves like I explained on the home page of my blog. I found myself in the throws of guilt the other day. So I want to share that, and the process with it.I also want to say that daily and I mean every day since joining Desteni I have seen areas constantly where I am living in the mind and not freedom. And it takes more than just "seeing" them. I takes brutle self honesty and writing and self forgiveness to correct this. I will post articals on that. I didn't realize this before as I just used avoidance to get out of negative thoughts. Avoidance of theses thoughts only gives them more strength. They all have to be dealt with or they go on living in our unconscious mind and manifesting in the world. Anyway this is a process I went through the other day:>>

Question from me:
Hi Jack yes, this is not clear>>.

This is epically tricky for me when the feeling of guilt comes up.

As I was noticing my thoughts I would catch the emotion or feeling of quilt coming up.

So I said NO do not feel that. It is of the mind.

Yet another part of me thinks that this guilt can be used to take action. Example, I am not doing self forgiveness... I feel guilty so I do it ...I feel better.

Then there is another part of guilt that pertains to the past. Like something you already did and wish you did not do. That does not feel good, I use the STOP this is mind .
That past quilt can stops movement.

It is like this feeling of guilt is coming up all the time lately! Like my whole existence feels as it is of quilt. I feel guilty in every moment thinking I am responsible for every thought, like I am in a panic all the time and will not allow me to rest for fear I am not doing enough, or that I am even doing to much. Awww! gee..
I would appreciate your perspective on this.


As I was noticing my thoughts I would catch the emotion or feeling of quilt coming up.

So I said NO do not feel that. It is of the mind.

Here I’d suggest considering your starting point – have a look at ‘defining thoughts as being wrong/bad’ and within this manifesting a fear towards thoughts. Then together with the fear of them – when you ‘miss a thought’ – you ‘feel guilty’, because at the same time you realise to assist and support you, it is for you to stand up and not accept and allow thoughts.
Now, because you’ve judged the thought before you’ve even stopped the thought because of fear towards the thought and you didn’t stop the thought to stand up for you within you = you experience guilt. Thus = a manifested geometrical mind-pattern circulation within which you exist. The origin being this sentence as your current starting point: I am supposed to stop this thought, because I know it’s not who I am, but I fear this thought and judge this thought before I even apply me and then feel guilty when I did not’.

Therefore – clear your starting point: I am assisting and supporting me by standing up within me through stopping my thoughts. Then self forgiveness on fearing thoughts/judging thoughts.

Adele – when you say: NO! or STOP! an it is not an absolute statement of you – with no reaction within it – then it is effective – when it is not so – it is not effective. Then here self forgiveness is necessary – to not ‘delude’ yourself into ‘thinking’ you are standing up – be certain within you.

In applying as suggested with regards to the starting point – your starting point must be you for you – herein the NO! and STOP! will become effective.

Yet another part of me thinks that this guilt can be used to take action. Example, I am not doing self forgiveness... I feel guilty so I do it ...I feel better.

I’d suggest not – the ‘feeling better’ is the ‘feeling of satisfaction of the mind’ because you’ve herein suppressed the guilt further within you – perceiving it to have gone away – but you’ve actually compounded it which is also one of the reasons why guilt has come up so prominently within you – because you’ve given it attention.

See, within this application – you’re making guilt the starting point – instead of you directing you in the moment. Your starting point must be you: I am applying self forgiveness for me to assist and support me within and as my individual process of stopping the mind and realizing me. Within this – you are the starting point.

I’d also suggest to have a look at why you’re accepting/allowing you to ‘feel guilty’ in not applying self forgiveness, because guilt can only exist when you understand the necessity and importance for self forgiveness for you within and as your individual process – but allow the mind to intervene/interfere and then not do it – which is the actual reason why guilt would exist: That you know you’re allowing the mind to influence your process.

So – have a specific look at where and how you’re allowing the mind to influence you to not apply self forgiveness – then you push you to apply self forgiveness for you.

Then there is another part of guilt that pertains to the past. Like something you already did and wish you did not do. That does not feel good, I use the STOP this is mind .
That past quilt can stops movement.

With regards to the past – the STOP application is not effective – the STOP application is only effective in the moment here – with regards to the past – specific self forgiveness is required as the past constructs/event/moments are manifested within and as your human physical body and only effective self forgiveness and self application will release it within and as you.

It is like this feeling of guilt is coming up all the time lately! Like my whole existence feels as it is of quilt. I feel guilty in every moment thinking I am responsible for every thought, like I am in a panic all the time and will not allow me to rest for fear I am not doing enough, or that I am even doing to much. Awww! gee..
.... Well thanks Jack for asking that cause now that I am writing this I am feeling a rest, I see I have to do SF on guilt. Man, it is debilitating!
I would appreciate your perspective on this.

Of course you are responsible for you and what you accept/allow within and as you – but this responsibility is the realization of and within and as you that you’re able to stand up and stop – no guilt necessary or required, it’s you realising your responsibility towards you – within this, you stop what has been accepted and allowed within you.

The reason why the guilt has come up so much is because within your application you’ve been ‘feeding it’ as I explained above – therefore, have to clear your starting point again to be you for you as you alone.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

God Hated Me

One day as a little kid I was watching TV. It must of been in black and white back then. It was a love story with June Allyson and Cary Grant I think. I saw how wonderful they made it look to be in love. I became Cary Grant in love with June Allyson. I ended up "falling" in love with all my girlfriends. I really didn't know what that meant, but it felt like a longing to be loved or something. Then one day some years after starting first grade my neighbor friend came over to hang out with me. And she was saying someone in her school was a lesbian and she was making fun of it. I asked what is a lesbian? She said it is when two girls like each other. And something to the effect of that God doesn't like it ....she called it an abomination. I wasn't sure what that word meant but I knew it was bad! I was stunned! I kept real quiet but inside I was in horror. Am I one of those lesbians? I really like girls a lot. Oh my god, God thinks I am horrible. I was ashamed and hurt and confused. What did I do wrong? I was loving how they did on TV. I was loving the woman. A man is suppose to love a woman. At the time I did not know that you were suppose to be in a man body to do that. I didn't think of myself as a girl. Just me loving and wanting to be loved back by the woman. So now I had this horrible secret to keep. I better not let anyone know that I wanted to "love" and be loved by women! I don't want them to know that God hated me.

So I keep this secret about me for along time. That God hated me. I didn't tell my friends, I didn't tell my mother or brothers. And as I am writing, this very moment, I had know idea that I have been carrying this self hate for so long as I accepted what she said was true. I believed that is invisible person that everyone talks about has the power to hate me. Now I had no idea who God was, that was one of those things that no one could give a good answer to. It was one of those
absurdities = having no rational or orderly relationship to human life, so unreasonable as to be ridiculous .... to me, but never the less I knew people believed what other people told them about what this invisible God says. So I knew that people who believed in God would hate me. And that was hard to take. So I started to hate myself and lived in this world being ashamed of who I was.


I remember one day as a little child I was riding my bike through the wonderful park that was at end of my street. I must of been around 10 years old then. That park was huge! And by huge I mean that park had lots and lots of trees. It had 13 mile's of winding roads going all through it and it had a river and a lake. It is suppose to be one of the biggest parks that is inside city limits in the United States! .....So I was a happy little kid just then, riding my bike though there on a warm summer day. As I was coasting down one of hills in the park a station wagon passed me by. It was an old one compared to todays models it must have around 1960. There was a family in there, two adults and two kids in the back. They had dark colored skin. I was happy to see them drive pass me because I felt ..oh cool ... some other people were getting to enjoy the park on this wonderful day. It felt like I got to share the happy moment. So I gave them a wave and a smile as they were passing me. The little kids in the back smiled and started to wave to me and just as they did the two adults, Mom and Dad I guess, started to yell at them. They were telling them not to waving at me, then they.... the Mom and Dad looked at me and shouted out something really mean ...I can't remember what now. All I remember was I was devastated. I didn't understand. Why didn't they like me? What did I do? It really through this little kid for a loop! That ended my happy ride in the park and I went home and asked Mom what that was all about? I don't remember her exact words but it was something about that they have different color skin and that she isn't prejudice but that we have to live separate from them cause they were different or something.... They lived on the other side of the city. Well I didn't get it. It made no sense to me at all what that reason was. But she seemed not to be able to explain it any better. So she told me not to worry about it. And I pretended I did.

Interesting, that experience is still a memory with me at this age of 54. All I know was that what ever reason I was given seem absurd. But now from there, and I am sure there were other absurdities before then, I went on to experience the world and its absurdities This is the meaning from the dictionary = having no rational or orderly relationship to human life, so unreasonable as to be ridiculous .

...So was planted the seed of how life was to be lived. Little did I know at the time that the very fact that I was told not to "worry" about it created the very opposite in my life...when we create a blind eye to the insanity of the world ... we will live that. And in another way saying "not to worry about it" means to do nothing about it. So in a sense I was given the go ahead to live an absurd life...so I did! I want to say here that now I have no blame on my parents because that was how they were taught to live . As I see now the whole world was taught to live.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Process to I am special

I did this forgiveness thing before I wrote the Post design Of Being Special.

This was a cool one for me because I started out with one thing and ended up with the end realization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frustrated with I idea that I have to take care of my self.

I for give myself that I have accept and allowed myself to divert the process off of myself and onto others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to worry about others process instead of taking care of my ownself.

I forgives myself that I do this so I will not have to look at myself

I forgive myself that I have accept and allowed myself to not stand up to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am wasting my energy and exhausting my self by spending most of my time worrying about others process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to be frustrated because I have to take car of myself..example work make food take care of stuff.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I should not have to do these things.. that I should not have to take care of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to too:
Be angery that we have to work
That I am lazy
That I think it is hard and a wast of time to take care of ones self

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste all this energy thinking of ways and reasons why not to do something than to just do it.

I forgive myself that I started with not worrying about being public with this SF and now I dont want to be

I forgive myself that ahhhh. ic that it is the mind wanting me to hide giving its stupid excuses.

I forgive that I have accepted and allowed the lazy program system to influence me so strongly.

i forgive myself that I have accept and allow myself to believe I have to "wait" to be inspired to take action.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think :inspireation " is God givin and I must wait for it to get things done
I forgive my self that I have accepted and a;llowed myself to live by the mind program

I forgive myself that I wait for something to feel like "fun" before I do it.

I forgive myself that I belived work to be the only "have to do" there for thinking I do not want to anything else for myself unless Its fun.

I forgive myself believing that I am so special that I should not have to take care of myself...even thought I do take care of myself I really hate it.

I forgive myself that I think that I am so special that God fucked up and gave me the wrong life! LOL hahahaha Shit that is funny!

hahah Oh shit! God gave me the wrong life!! Haha what a crock of shit that mind fuck was!! And
where did I come up with the idea I was so special????

Ahhh the Design of thinking your special!...Good one.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Learning the Difference Between the Mind and Life

See my life as what I was in the post I wrote before was programmed, I was living a program. My actions and reactions were all of the mind. I awoke as a baby and got plugged into the universal mind constructs, the mass humanity program. I have seen that everyone is equal here in there suffering, even the rich and elite. I see the "life" that people are thinking they are living is not life. It is the mind. We think we are what we are thinking, we think we are the emotions we are feeling and we think we are the actions that we do. This is a program. A program designed to keep us unaware of our true self and in slavery to the mind. Now there are two types of thinking. One is the program and everyone has it...and thought it is life and then there is true expression. And this is exactly what I am doing here by writing. I am getting out as much as I can see of the mind. I want to know in every detail of what I have called me and accepted as my life. Now understand this not about the things I did in my life. I am not ashamed of any of it. But it is now about getting to know the difference between taking action from the programmed mind and living life as true expression. So by writing about my life for me, it gives me away to see more clearly what the mind has manifested as my life. And as I see more clearly the tricks it plays ,the easier it will be for me to stop it, So digging out these treasures as I call it ( the mind fucks) and writing about them.....tells the mind I am on to you! LOL

So I will uncover more treasures as I go and put them down in writing. You can not let go of what you do not see.

Friday, February 1, 2008

The Design of Feeling Special

What I allowed Design of being Special to do to me:

This sneaky system I found was the hidden ruling mode of operation for me.

Now see .....I did not see this one running.....But It was the cause of All my misery.

I am seeing now that it was my feeling that I was special that I Blamed God for giving me this life. How could I be here? ME! Doesn't he or life or my parents or all humans know who I am!
How Dare I be put into such a life as this!

Because I thought I was specail... I ended up hating my parents. I ended up hating that I had to take care of myself that I should not have to take care of myself .I ended up wanting people to see I was specail hence the problem with wanting to be recognized the fear that I wont be recognized so I do not try to make a better life for me...what is the use of a better life if I am not recognized. The indulgence with "Poor Me". See my parents were not bad people, they treaded me the best they could...But they could not recognize me for who I am. And that put me on a self destructive Mission!.. This is a tricky one because people will say but it is good you feel special.......Thing is my feeling "special" turned into a search to be recognized for this..And in that search anyone I felt who did not see it I would be miserable about it, I would get depressed, I would stop wanting to take care of me and become self indulgent with self pity. And I would become Angry! I would not do anything Good for me.....Then I turned that into being a people pleaser,,,,If I could get people to like me , to see how wonderful I was....Maybe they could see I was special...see being special is a polarity....I could not give that to myself.....because then I am saying that there is being "Special" and there is being "Un-special!."....Total mind fuck!

This Design for me has been the cause of

Wanting recognition
Self indulgent behaviors
Self destructive behaviors
Self loathing
Unableness to give to myself
Looking out side myself
Feeling inferior
Self sabotage

NOTE: My Brother is studying what is called Evolutionary Astrology. What I have uncovered here is what he has been calling a "Skipped Step" in Evolutionary Astrology. Now he had been telling me this for awhile about this skipped step. And it did me no good until I got to the Desteni Site and started to learn how to write and be self honest. Only now can I see how this skipped step has been running in my program.