Friday, February 1, 2008

The Design of Feeling Special

What I allowed Design of being Special to do to me:

This sneaky system I found was the hidden ruling mode of operation for me.

Now see .....I did not see this one running.....But It was the cause of All my misery.

I am seeing now that it was my feeling that I was special that I Blamed God for giving me this life. How could I be here? ME! Doesn't he or life or my parents or all humans know who I am!
How Dare I be put into such a life as this!

Because I thought I was specail... I ended up hating my parents. I ended up hating that I had to take care of myself that I should not have to take care of myself .I ended up wanting people to see I was specail hence the problem with wanting to be recognized the fear that I wont be recognized so I do not try to make a better life for me...what is the use of a better life if I am not recognized. The indulgence with "Poor Me". See my parents were not bad people, they treaded me the best they could...But they could not recognize me for who I am. And that put me on a self destructive Mission!.. This is a tricky one because people will say but it is good you feel special.......Thing is my feeling "special" turned into a search to be recognized for this..And in that search anyone I felt who did not see it I would be miserable about it, I would get depressed, I would stop wanting to take care of me and become self indulgent with self pity. And I would become Angry! I would not do anything Good for me.....Then I turned that into being a people pleaser,,,,If I could get people to like me , to see how wonderful I was....Maybe they could see I was special...see being special is a polarity....I could not give that to myself.....because then I am saying that there is being "Special" and there is being "Un-special!."....Total mind fuck!

This Design for me has been the cause of

Wanting recognition
Self indulgent behaviors
Self destructive behaviors
Self loathing
Unableness to give to myself
Looking out side myself
Feeling inferior
Self sabotage

NOTE: My Brother is studying what is called Evolutionary Astrology. What I have uncovered here is what he has been calling a "Skipped Step" in Evolutionary Astrology. Now he had been telling me this for awhile about this skipped step. And it did me no good until I got to the Desteni Site and started to learn how to write and be self honest. Only now can I see how this skipped step has been running in my program.

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