One day as a little kid I was watching TV. It must of been in black and white back then. It was a love story with June Allyson and Cary Grant I think. I saw how wonderful they made it look to be in love. I became Cary Grant in love with June Allyson. I ended up "falling" in love with all my girlfriends. I really didn't know what that meant, but it felt like a longing to be loved or something. Then one day some years after starting first grade my neighbor friend came over to hang out with me. And she was saying someone in her school was a lesbian and she was making fun of it. I asked what is a lesbian? She said it is when two girls like each other. And something to the effect of that God doesn't like it ....she called it an abomination. I wasn't sure what that word meant but I knew it was bad! I was stunned! I kept real quiet but inside I was in horror. Am I one of those lesbians? I really like girls a lot. Oh my god, God thinks I am horrible. I was ashamed and hurt and confused. What did I do wrong? I was loving how they did on TV. I was loving the woman. A man is suppose to love a woman. At the time I did not know that you were suppose to be in a man body to do that. I didn't think of myself as a girl. Just me loving and wanting to be loved back by the woman. So now I had this horrible secret to keep. I better not let anyone know that I wanted to "love" and be loved by women! I don't want them to know that God hated me.
So I keep this secret about me for along time. That God hated me. I didn't tell my friends, I didn't tell my mother or brothers. And as I am writing, this very moment, I had know idea that I have been carrying this self hate for so long as I accepted what she said was true. I believed that is invisible person that everyone talks about has the power to hate me. Now I had no idea who God was, that was one of those things that no one could give a good answer to. It was one of those
absurdities = having no rational or orderly relationship to human life, so unreasonable as to be ridiculous .... to me, but never the less I knew people believed what other people told them about what this invisible God says. So I knew that people who believed in God would hate me. And that was hard to take. So I started to hate myself and lived in this world being ashamed of who I was.
1 comment:
Wow, kids can so innocent and cruel - usually at the same time! Wow, kiddo. Much self-forgiveness at that point, huh? Funny how we can be led astray by our eyes and our ears. Taking other voices and ideas as our own. Until we accept the authority of our own voice. Till here, no further!
Hugs to you,
k.m.
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