Monday, June 9, 2008

Nine Months of Hell Part 2

Why I am not Dead

I think that was when she called me with the suicide threat at my work. I did not come home after those people took me to my friend’s house. So now she wanted me to come home and say good by to her because she took pills to die. Well like I said when I go home she was fine.

The next event I remember was the time my Dad and brother were coming out this way from Ohio to visit. My Dad went to see his brothers in California and my brother came to visit me. I knew this was not going to go over well as now there was someone in the house and Jennie could not stand to not have my attention for very long as she knew I wanted to leave her. Now my brother or family did not know any of this was going on as I was afraid to tell anyone because she knows when I talk about her. It was the strangest thing.. Her knowing I wanted to leave but I had so much fear about she fed off of it and kept the fear going within in her as anger and me as fear. Anyway company was coming! And she would have to hold her anger in front of them which really pissed her off even more. Well me my brother Jennie and another friend decided to go on a little trip together to show Rob around the cool places in Arizona. We went to a town about 90 minutes away and had drinks and food. I was having fun being with my brother and on the way home her anger started to show. She made such a fuss about something that she wanted out of the car, so we pulled over and let her out and I was happy to leave her there. See now I had some courage as my brother was there and she was afraid of men and also did not want to really be a ass and hit me in front of him. But she got back in the car. It was nite and along road back to home.

Oh before I end this episode tidbit story I have to tell you what I found out about her! One day we went to visit Jennie family. I remember her mom was there and one of her sisters and maybe her brother. Jennies real name was Willard. Well the family was acting pretty weird. At the time I didn’t get it because I did not know Jennie for that long and thought her anger episodes were just that. Just a few times she freaked out on me. After we left the house I thought gee they seem afraid of her.

They were not very welcoming, thou the mom tried to be but I could feel she didn’t want Jennie there. Later that year I saw Jennies sister out at a club and I said why didn’t you warn me about her! She said she could not because Jennie would find out if they did and come and hurt them. I tried to find out what happened to Jennies wife when she was a man and the sister just looked at me and said she did not know how she died and would not talk about it. Now how can you not know how a family member died! Then I heard that Jennie as Willard use to be in the Skull motorcycle gang. And they were pretty ruthless. I was told they actually shot up some café on a side road out in the county and killed some people. So shit.. now I remember why I was so scared of her and I wanted to get away with out anyone getting hurt.

Okay back to the story

So she got back in the car and we made it home with unnerving

silence. I was trying to give hints to my brother that I was with a nut case and to be careful. I could tell he was a bit like what the fuck is up with this person and my brother hasn’t seen me for along time so had no clue what he was getting into.

We got home late at nite. Rob got out of the car and went in the house so me and Jennie could talk. Well it was an argument and for the first time I hit her first! It felt good… but then she gave me a kick so hard in the leg that I ended up have a 12 inch bruise on my thigh! I was not so proud then and thought to myself you stupid why did you puncher.

Now she was really mad. I hurried into the trailer and I said Rob be on guard this person is mad and this is serious, as that is all I had time to say before she came in the house. My brother was sitting on the couch in our tiny trailer and the look I gave him with those words I said them, he knew to be ready. Jennie came in and went to the utensil drawer and pulled out a knife. And I don’t know why but she looked at me and then my brother and she must of know we were ready to fight back with a vengeance, so she threatened to come back with shot guns as she left the trailer and jumped on the motor cycle that I bought her and drove off yelling in an Indian type scream!

Okay, NOW we are scared! And our adrelian is pumping; all we know is to get the fuck out of there before she came back. So we go to my trusted friend who has a crazy husband that would not think twice to kill someone like Jennie. We stayed the night… but I could feel Jennie out there somewhere.

We decide that it is time for me to leave Arizona that next morning when we got up. I found out that my brother carried a small hand gun when he traveled for safety, so he had a gun the whole time! Now how do we go back to get some of my things?? Maybe she won’t be there. We decide to go back to my house. It was getting so I could sense Jennies moods. And always the next day she was sorry about her actions.

I was thinking it would be okay, for one she didn’t want to hurt me in front of Rob as she would look bad! Lol And we would be very cautious.

So we drive back to the house and as we get to the trailer I see all my things already packed up in boxes and place outside in a neat pile next to the trailer!! I was like… oh shit! Cool! But.. I wonder how she is. Is she there? I tell Rob I have to go in and see. He doesn’t like the idea but we had to know before we started grabbing boxes.

So I open the door and I see her there on the couch with this solemn look. She has our bed blanket on her lap. And she says all I want is for you to sign your name on the blanket that I am going to keep and then you can take your things without incident and go. I said okay let me tell Rob what I am doing so he won’t worry and she nodded okay. Rob was worried when I told him but I said I think she will not cause any trouble as I said I can sense her moods. I went back in, and she had the area of the blanked where she wanted me to sign my name and a pen ready. So I did, I signed my name. I wrote Adele. And she did not look at me and I did not look at her. Then I went out the door and started to load my brothers volts wagon van up with all the boxes that were outside. He came and helped and in about ten minutes we were out of there.

We stopped at the hospital where I worked and I said I had a personal matter and would have to quit with notice that day. They suggested I take a leave of absence so if I decide to come back I would have my status. I knew I wasn’t coming back but I did the leave of absence anyway so as not to have to explain things. Then we left Phoenix AZ. My brother became my night in shinning armor as he had insisted that he was not going to leave me there in Arizona with that situation going on.

The way I feel if he had not come to visit and had not stuck by me I would have been dead.

Now this is the story of my life as I writing as things come up and some areas are not in chronicle order. As I write this story about Jennie I want to tell you also about some of the nice things and what kept me with her though out the abuse. Let us say that every one wants to be loved, so did she and so did I. We just did know that love was not a possession and in away her devotion to me as a possession I saw it as her loving me and I wanted to lover her but her anger made me afraid to trust her.

She could be quite fun and adventurous at times. She was Indian and had cool stories and her which craft she said she had was of Indian nature. She knew how to build a motor cycle out of a box of metal that she talked me into buying for her. She called it a basket bike.

She loved building it and before you knew it we had a cool chopper to ride around on! We took a trip from Arizona all the way to Texas to visit and old friend of mine. A lot of times before the abuse got worse I actually felt safe with her as she was very strong and not afraid of anybody. So that illusion felt good! LOL I had no idea that she had been violent her whole life so much so her family was afraid of her. Now she wanted to be a woman and was feeling very vulnerable as in being accepted as a woman. I actually liker her just the way she was, and thought she looked funny when she dresses as a woman and I was not sexually attractive to me when she would dress like that. I am sure she sensed this and that caused much of her anger. But then she was violent way before as a man. So there is really nothing “nice” about anything. But there were a few moments of good times and admiration, but way to much abuse. And I always thought she would stop. Then I remember the other women that I judged so harshly for staying with abusive men. They said, “ I always thought they would stop”

Years and years went by as I lived back in Ohio now and then moved on to NCY after about 6 months. I still feared Jennie was going to find me and take revenge for leaving. She even had my address at my parent’s house in Ohio and would write me and send me gifts and wanted to get back together because now she was working and had a job. Some of our fights use to be about that. She would not get a job and I would get upset to have to give her money all the time. Every letter I got put me into fear of her coming to get me. Night mares also. My mom finally said, honey to you want me to just throw out those letters and not tell you when they come? At first I didn’t want her to, only so I could get a feel from her words if she was going to maybe come to Ohio. But finally I was getting to upset when they kept coming I said okay to her suggestion.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Nine Months of Hell

I went to a Kiss concert one night by myself and took some acid or mushrooms something to get high not sure which one. I don’t remember much of the concert but after wards I went to my neighbor hood woman’s bar and met this person. She looked like a girl but something didn’t feel right. I was high and very interested in her. She was half Indian, I think Cherokee. And I was fascinated by something about her. Anyway I sat down at her table and we talked drank and did the bar thing. Then I asked if she was a girl or boy. She gave me this cool sat back in the chair look and said why don’t you find out. There was no facial hair at all because of Indian blood. She had tight jeans on but had no waist, like a women hips are larger and they have a waist. So I reached between her legs and felt for a dick.. I didn’t feel one.

She was acting very mysterious and said she was a witch… I got a bit freaked about that and even asked these two girls at the bar if they thought witches were real. They said yes very real. So now I was a bit scared but still fascinated and wanted to know more. We talked about it, I can’t remember now what she said but after the bar closed she came to my house and stayed the night. We started to have sex and then I found out she was a boy! I was freaked out and said why. Why do you want to be a lesbian and be with girls when you are a guy and can be with girls. Well she gave me this story that I don’t understand but said she had breasts because she smokes pot and she is living as a woman for 2 years and also taking hormones so she can have a sex change operation. Then she told me a bunch of other weird stories like she had a daughter and the daughter lived with her grandmother. I asked what about the mother and she said the mother died but was very vague about how she died or why she died. Then a sad story came out about that she had no where to live at the moment. And like the idiot nice person I was I felt sorry for her. And said she can stay at my house… Worst mistake in my life but life had to show me what I was accepting and allowing. Well I let her move in and it turned into a night mare.

I don’t even know where to start as so many crazy things happened.
Well one of the first weird scary things that happened was she pulled out a knife one night and had me pinned down on the bed so I could not move. Then she put the knife to my neck and ask me if I loved her!
Well hell what should I say?? No and get my neck slashed or yes and lie.. I think I know now what brought this on… I was a very independent person at the time or so I though I was. I did not want to be in a serious relationship with her as I just felt sorry for her and also I thought it was kind of cool to have a lover who was both man and woman. I got the dick and boobs! Shit what a weirdo I was. But actually it was me wanting to understand why I could not have an orgasm so I thought maybe this would be the trick. Anyway she felt this, that I wasn’t really interested in a relationship with her but in truth I was using her. So that is why I think she threatened me with the knife. Well I must of told her I loved her or said something that satisfied her enough not to kill me because I am still here.

But it didn’t stop the fear and abuse that I lived being with her, because she knew I was afraid of her now. My life with Jennie was only for 9 months but felt like 9 years as now every moment of my life I was in fear of her. Before I met her I use to hear about girls that had abusive boyfriends and or husbands and thought those women were really stupid to hang around and take that abuse. I thought that would never happen to me and my judgment of those women who allowed it was severe. I was so cool and so much smarter than them… And now here I was in this HELL that I so judged others for.

I only did stay 9 months, but what I saw was how difficult and terrifying it was to leave a situation like this. And I could only leave when I was so tired of my fear that I did not fear death and stood up. But actually this is not true. I finally found a fear she had! And was then able to use it and leave safely for that moment. But more about this later.

There are, like I said many stories that happened in this one short life of 9 months that could be a book on its own. I will tell a few of them. I use to go to work with black eyes often as she was very jealous and suspicious person. I never knew when she was going to get mad, it always seemed to be when I was relaxed for a moment and my attention was not on her but something else. So I was in fear of having fun. She was suspicious of any time I spent with anyone other than her. And I worked so she was suspicious of my work mates as well. I could not show any joy unless it had to do with her and I started to get distant from my friends because I was ashamed at what I got myself into and I was also afraid for myself and them as she had no problem to get into a physical fight with anyone with a knife or gun.
See this all started at the very beginning when I stood up for my independence when we first met. I got the crap beat out of me and she would scare most everyone around me as well. I tried to include her in my life with my other friends but always she would get weird and angry at every gathering if I left her side for one moment. I was really trapped and in fear of my life and my friends life as I felt I had no where to go with out jeopardizing my friends because Jennie would come and get me.
There was one or two of my friends who were not afraid of her and they could come around the house because actually Jennie was a bit afraid of them because they did not fear her. Well I still had this thing where I felt sorry for her and wanted to “help” and sometimes I thought I talked sense into her, getting her so see her ways and that being so jealous wasn’t cool. And then the times where I would get so pissed that she hit me that I was ready to leave and then she would cry and say she was sorry and never do it again. And then of course she did it again.

Then when I stopped believing she was going to change she started with she is going to killer her self and played the severe suicidal depression game and I bought into that for awhile. I remember being so scared for her! That I called the hospital help line for suicide because I though she was going to do it. I ended up being so upset about it that the person on the hot line asks me how I was doing and tried to calm me down!
Well I then fell for that for awhile. And one day she called me at work and said she took all these pills to kill herself with and I said why do you keep calling me to tell me this, what can I do about it, call 911. I get home and she was fine… but super pissed at me because I didn’t care. I am sure I got hit for that or something.

The weird and stupid thing is that twice I was away from her as in we broke up, but then she was cool and I would go back to her or forgive her. So I got to see first hand what these other women did as I was doing the same exact thing.
Now this type of life was starting to get to me. I was getting sick from worry and a stomach ulcer was starting. I was now living with her alone in a small trailer home in Arizona. Her and me in this small freakin house alone together.
This is now after much drama like her killing my cat, the only thing in my life that was important to me and she knew it. She told me my cat ran away but I know my cat didn’t. That is another story. And the time we went on a trip with other people to Mexico and she chased me with an ax, but thank god one of the girls ran after her and tackled her so she would not catch me… Not to mention the extremely intense ride back from Mexico as now all of us being together in a van for hours trying not to get Jennie upset! Then the time Jennie gave a person her gun that was staying with us at my house. The person was a heroin attic, and she got pissed one night at the bouncer of a club because he would not let her in as she was under age. Now she wanted a gun so she can shoot him! So Jennie gives her, her gun and this girl goes back to the club and hid in the bushed across from the door and waits until the bouncer comes out and then she shoots him!
I do not remember if that bouncer died or not. But I then get upset at Jennie for giving this person who is high and fucked up and angry a gun. Jennie said she didn’t think she was going to really do it. But then… opps …later I get the shit kicked out of me for saying she was stupid to have let her have the gun.

So these are just some of the every day stuff that went on during that time.
Now back to the little trailer we now lived in as this was the start of the end as it was the last place I lived with her. I had bought a book called the Impersonal Life; I think it was published by Devorss & Company, the same ones who published Masters of the Far East. One night I was in our tiny little bed reading it with Jennie lying next to me. Now I was really into this book. It was an amazing point of waking up for me. As you read this book it talks about God and then it says as you reading it, it is you writing it as God, then it says as you are thinking God it is you as God thinking! For one split second that seemed like forever I felt God as me! Then just as fast I was back to Adele’s world. But that experience never left me and my search for what the hell was that am I god?? Anyway now I notice Jennie next to me and I can feel her agitation as I was not in her world. I could feel her anger starting to boil with out even looking at her as her head and eyes were away from me. I thought I have to get out of here; she is going to go off on me any second. I had to figure out how to get out of the bed without showing fear because then she would know I knew what she wanted to do. So I said I have to go pee I’ll be right back. Now the toilet is only like 6 yards away. Two big leaps and your there. However it was located towards the door to exit the trailer. So I go into the bathroom and sit there for a moment knowing that as soon as I get out she is going to beat the crap out of me… And now fear is setting in. And she can smell that. So I push open the bathroom door turn to the right, push open the front door and run full speed with pajamas on. And shit if she isn’t just a few yards away behind me. Now one thing I know is she has a fear of people knowing about her. Like that thing were someone is nice to you in public, but then beats the crap out of you at home… So I run to the road that was just beyond the foliage by the trailer homes. A car was coming just at that moment and I ran out into the street right in front of that car with my arms out waving at them to stop, and in my mind I’d rather get hit by that car than have to face her anger. Amazingly enough Jennie stopped running after me and hid in the foliage just by the road and watched as the car stopped and I just ran to the door and pushed some person over and jumped in and yelled DRIVE NOW! And omg they did! It was a bunch of younger kids driving around getting high and drinking and they thought this was really cool as they were whisking away this unknown person running for there life. And they offer me a joint. Haha funny now. I had them take me to my friends’ house one of the only ones that was not afraid of her and she said I hope she does come for you because I will blow her head off. She lived out side of the city with her husband and was my supervisor at work. But a supper cool friend who did not take crap from anyone. Unlike myself! Shit I was the crap taker. Let me have your shit so I wont see my own. I’d rather be known as the person who cares about shit than the one who stands up to it. Pfff
More to this story but you'll have to buy my book!
and i know lots of typins mis takes