Friday, March 28, 2008

Understanding Self Hate

I started writing my book again yesterday. And I wrote how I felt responsible for killing my dog. I put that post under self assistance...
All I have been doing is crying on and off since yesterday. Now this huge overwhelm feeling of sadness and regret and sorrow is coming up...I am feeling so tired of myself..and I know it is not me..It is the mind that I am soo tired of. I have been hiding for so long from my real expressions.. pretending to be something that I am not. Pretending to be a certain way so I can be approved by someone. Even "trying" to fit to the desteni crowd.. it is exhausting battle with this mind stuff. I am so hard on myself and I judge myself constantly..I had not idea how much I do that to myself. It like I can not leave myself alone from judgment. And because I judge myself I judge others so every where I look or be is some form of judgment..even it is a positive judgment... it is still a judgment. Bernard said that I have alot of remorse that I have not sorted out.
Remorse : a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs.

And I see now that this is about the guilt that I had towards myself. I never had any respect for me. I never respected me.. I was the most horrible to myself..I had very little respect for my life, so I abused me. I put myself down, I need be told by someone else I was Olay..but then I do not believe them, I almost hate it when they say it.. So I would search for the admiration to me and then reject it. And that was what my whole life was about ..All of it. That was my only motivation to live..
I can relate to Marylin M now,,and why she wanted me to write about this...
That search for respect and admiration and refusal to accept it. What a sad life..I was so close to killing myself with drugs and alcohol so many times... some times I think that maybe I did kill myself and I am just living in this mind loop. Because I don't understand how many close calls I had and I am still here... or am I? Well I am still here in with what I have accepted and allowed of myself..
It is funny when you write like this , it just seems to flow and write it self.
So right now I am in could I why did I hate me so much? Was it a design that I accepted? Can this remorse ever go away for real? With it just not being an avoidance from the mind? Because that has been what it was. Mind diversion techniques, and I would think I am okay, then underneath with my actions I realy wasn't okay. The your okay from the mind is a diversion from self to see what you are creating. And the pain of self hatred is covered up by drugs and alcohol. I was young then and didnt understand this. I had no idea that , that was why I "partyed" like that all the time. It was just what me and my gang did. But I do remember that feeling of angzity and fear of wanting to fit in.. Be accepted.
Thank you.

Monday, March 24, 2008

WORLD has gone MAD

WORLD has gone MAD
When I watch the
Desteni videos on how fucked up the world is,,I want to show everyone..but they get afraid and do not want to see it..They pretend and tell themselves over and over every day how wonderful “there” reality is..Like they have to convince themselves and afraid if they don’t convince themselves that “there “ reality is Okay, they will end up as one of the statistic of the world “out there.”
I use to think like this as well..but came to realize thru common sense that the world is not getting better and all my attempts to not see it were self serving, originating out of fear for my own self survival…every man for them self.. But as I tried to live my meager life and do “positive thinking” I realize that this very positive thinking had the starting point of fear.. I didn't’ want a reality like there's…it fuckin scared me to be honest. So create a supposed “safe” little environment around me and hopefully friends .. where we didn't’ have to look at it, “ignore" it and it will go away… But something in side of me did not feel right about this .. and I thought ohh, you are not doing it right, you are not staying positive … But then I thought, can I REALLY have a good life while others are suffering? I looked honesty into this …as I did not want to face this. I could not truly be happy when others are suffering … I would have to be constantly “pivoting” my thoughts..ohh don’t look there..oops don’t look might create it.. Then even after death would I be free of this? Would I look down upon the earth and see the suffering gone? No .. I would have saved my own Ass in an illusionary deceptions ..again..not wanting to see. Now what kind of “eternal life would this be?? Fucked..

Posted on youtube in response to

The WORLD has gone MAD!!!!

Very well said.
Thank you for this, I hope people will wake up see there self dishonesty and how everything they create is from the starting point of lack. Believing in lack, we sacrifice ourselfs, other humans, and the earth for our own self serving needs.