All I have been doing is crying on and off since yesterday. Now this huge overwhelm feeling of sadness and regret and sorrow is coming up...I am feeling so tired of myself..and I know it is not me..It is the mind that I am soo tired of. I have been hiding for so long from my real expressions.. pretending to be something that I am not. Pretending to be a certain way so I can be approved by someone. Even "trying" to fit to the desteni crowd.. it is exhausting battle with this mind stuff. I am so hard on myself and I judge myself constantly..I had not idea how much I do that to myself. It like I can not leave myself alone from judgment. And because I judge myself I judge others so every where I look or be is some form of judgment..even it is a positive judgment... it is still a judgment. Bernard said that I have alot of remorse that I have not sorted out.
Remorse : a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs.
And I see now that this is about the guilt that I had towards myself. I never had any respect for me. I never respected me.. I was the most horrible to myself..I had very little respect for my life, so I abused me. I put myself down, I need be told by someone else I was Olay..but then I do not believe them, I almost hate it when they say it.. So I would search for the admiration to me and then reject it. And that was what my whole life was about ..All of it. That was my only motivation to live..
I can relate to Marylin M now,,and why she wanted me to write about this...
That search for respect and admiration and refusal to accept it. What a sad life..I was so close to killing myself with drugs and alcohol so many times... some times I think that maybe I did kill myself and I am just living in this mind loop. Because I don't understand how many close calls I had and I am still here... or am I? Well I am still here in with what I have accepted and allowed of myself..
It is funny when you write like this , it just seems to flow and write it self.
So right now I am in remorse....omg...how could I why did I hate me so much? Was it a design that I accepted? Can this remorse ever go away for real? With it just not being an avoidance from the mind? Because that has been what it was. Mind diversion techniques, and I would think I am okay, then underneath with my actions I realy wasn't okay. The your okay from the mind is a diversion from self to see what you are creating. And the pain of self hatred is covered up by drugs and alcohol. I was young then and didnt understand this. I had no idea that , that was why I "partyed" like that all the time. It was just what me and my gang did. But I do remember that feeling of angzity and fear of wanting to fit in.. Be accepted.