Friday, March 28, 2008

Understanding Self Hate

I started writing my book again yesterday. And I wrote how I felt responsible for killing my dog. I put that post under self assistance...
All I have been doing is crying on and off since yesterday. Now this huge overwhelm feeling of sadness and regret and sorrow is coming up...I am feeling so tired of myself..and I know it is not me..It is the mind that I am soo tired of. I have been hiding for so long from my real expressions.. pretending to be something that I am not. Pretending to be a certain way so I can be approved by someone. Even "trying" to fit to the desteni crowd.. it is exhausting battle with this mind stuff. I am so hard on myself and I judge myself constantly..I had not idea how much I do that to myself. It like I can not leave myself alone from judgment. And because I judge myself I judge others so every where I look or be is some form of judgment..even it is a positive judgment... it is still a judgment. Bernard said that I have alot of remorse that I have not sorted out.
Remorse : a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs.

And I see now that this is about the guilt that I had towards myself. I never had any respect for me. I never respected me.. I was the most horrible to myself..I had very little respect for my life, so I abused me. I put myself down, I need be told by someone else I was Olay..but then I do not believe them, I almost hate it when they say it.. So I would search for the admiration to me and then reject it. And that was what my whole life was about ..All of it. That was my only motivation to live..
I can relate to Marylin M now,,and why she wanted me to write about this...
That search for respect and admiration and refusal to accept it. What a sad life..I was so close to killing myself with drugs and alcohol so many times... some times I think that maybe I did kill myself and I am just living in this mind loop. Because I don't understand how many close calls I had and I am still here... or am I? Well I am still here in with what I have accepted and allowed of myself..
It is funny when you write like this , it just seems to flow and write it self.
So right now I am in remorse....omg...how could I why did I hate me so much? Was it a design that I accepted? Can this remorse ever go away for real? With it just not being an avoidance from the mind? Because that has been what it was. Mind diversion techniques, and I would think I am okay, then underneath with my actions I realy wasn't okay. The your okay from the mind is a diversion from self to see what you are creating. And the pain of self hatred is covered up by drugs and alcohol. I was young then and didnt understand this. I had no idea that , that was why I "partyed" like that all the time. It was just what me and my gang did. But I do remember that feeling of angzity and fear of wanting to fit in.. Be accepted.
Thank you.

3 comments:

Andrea said...

Hi Adele

Yes I too am working with self-acceptance. And the funny thing is there are so many layers I find that by the time you get through one layer another opens. This I find does not 'lessen the burdon' because it feels to me sometimes, as if I am tredding water.

It is easy for any body to say: 'oh well just accept yourself', or 'what's wrong with us that we dont just unconditionally accept ourselves'. Good question. Where did we learn to stop accepting ourselves, plus, to make a big fuss about never accepting ourselves either?

Did I learn that from my parents or did I 'hardwire' this into myself? Why would I do that? Who showed us how to do this?

I have been working with self acceptance issues for a LOOONG time now and am learning to accept the things that previously I could not. This being done through slowly repeating to myself my forgiveness of the irationailty of not accepting self. Lately I have been working with alot of irrational fears.

It does not necesarily get easier (for now) because I find there are so many layers to us, or shall I say layers of what we have accepted will never change. I allow myself to listen to my mind, so stopping those immediate thoughts I find is key

Cheers
Andrea

HereNow said...

Thanks Andrea for sharing.
We gotta get this!

cassandra said...

Thank you for the invite to read your posts in order to find out about more of you! It worked, what a you. you are... I'm me and you are you, let's get together for soup October 6th. i will meet you half way? Smiling me to you...