Friday, June 6, 2008

Nine Months of Hell

I went to a Kiss concert one night by myself and took some acid or mushrooms something to get high not sure which one. I don’t remember much of the concert but after wards I went to my neighbor hood woman’s bar and met this person. She looked like a girl but something didn’t feel right. I was high and very interested in her. She was half Indian, I think Cherokee. And I was fascinated by something about her. Anyway I sat down at her table and we talked drank and did the bar thing. Then I asked if she was a girl or boy. She gave me this cool sat back in the chair look and said why don’t you find out. There was no facial hair at all because of Indian blood. She had tight jeans on but had no waist, like a women hips are larger and they have a waist. So I reached between her legs and felt for a dick.. I didn’t feel one.

She was acting very mysterious and said she was a witch… I got a bit freaked about that and even asked these two girls at the bar if they thought witches were real. They said yes very real. So now I was a bit scared but still fascinated and wanted to know more. We talked about it, I can’t remember now what she said but after the bar closed she came to my house and stayed the night. We started to have sex and then I found out she was a boy! I was freaked out and said why. Why do you want to be a lesbian and be with girls when you are a guy and can be with girls. Well she gave me this story that I don’t understand but said she had breasts because she smokes pot and she is living as a woman for 2 years and also taking hormones so she can have a sex change operation. Then she told me a bunch of other weird stories like she had a daughter and the daughter lived with her grandmother. I asked what about the mother and she said the mother died but was very vague about how she died or why she died. Then a sad story came out about that she had no where to live at the moment. And like the idiot nice person I was I felt sorry for her. And said she can stay at my house… Worst mistake in my life but life had to show me what I was accepting and allowing. Well I let her move in and it turned into a night mare.

I don’t even know where to start as so many crazy things happened.
Well one of the first weird scary things that happened was she pulled out a knife one night and had me pinned down on the bed so I could not move. Then she put the knife to my neck and ask me if I loved her!
Well hell what should I say?? No and get my neck slashed or yes and lie.. I think I know now what brought this on… I was a very independent person at the time or so I though I was. I did not want to be in a serious relationship with her as I just felt sorry for her and also I thought it was kind of cool to have a lover who was both man and woman. I got the dick and boobs! Shit what a weirdo I was. But actually it was me wanting to understand why I could not have an orgasm so I thought maybe this would be the trick. Anyway she felt this, that I wasn’t really interested in a relationship with her but in truth I was using her. So that is why I think she threatened me with the knife. Well I must of told her I loved her or said something that satisfied her enough not to kill me because I am still here.

But it didn’t stop the fear and abuse that I lived being with her, because she knew I was afraid of her now. My life with Jennie was only for 9 months but felt like 9 years as now every moment of my life I was in fear of her. Before I met her I use to hear about girls that had abusive boyfriends and or husbands and thought those women were really stupid to hang around and take that abuse. I thought that would never happen to me and my judgment of those women who allowed it was severe. I was so cool and so much smarter than them… And now here I was in this HELL that I so judged others for.

I only did stay 9 months, but what I saw was how difficult and terrifying it was to leave a situation like this. And I could only leave when I was so tired of my fear that I did not fear death and stood up. But actually this is not true. I finally found a fear she had! And was then able to use it and leave safely for that moment. But more about this later.

There are, like I said many stories that happened in this one short life of 9 months that could be a book on its own. I will tell a few of them. I use to go to work with black eyes often as she was very jealous and suspicious person. I never knew when she was going to get mad, it always seemed to be when I was relaxed for a moment and my attention was not on her but something else. So I was in fear of having fun. She was suspicious of any time I spent with anyone other than her. And I worked so she was suspicious of my work mates as well. I could not show any joy unless it had to do with her and I started to get distant from my friends because I was ashamed at what I got myself into and I was also afraid for myself and them as she had no problem to get into a physical fight with anyone with a knife or gun.
See this all started at the very beginning when I stood up for my independence when we first met. I got the crap beat out of me and she would scare most everyone around me as well. I tried to include her in my life with my other friends but always she would get weird and angry at every gathering if I left her side for one moment. I was really trapped and in fear of my life and my friends life as I felt I had no where to go with out jeopardizing my friends because Jennie would come and get me.
There was one or two of my friends who were not afraid of her and they could come around the house because actually Jennie was a bit afraid of them because they did not fear her. Well I still had this thing where I felt sorry for her and wanted to “help” and sometimes I thought I talked sense into her, getting her so see her ways and that being so jealous wasn’t cool. And then the times where I would get so pissed that she hit me that I was ready to leave and then she would cry and say she was sorry and never do it again. And then of course she did it again.

Then when I stopped believing she was going to change she started with she is going to killer her self and played the severe suicidal depression game and I bought into that for awhile. I remember being so scared for her! That I called the hospital help line for suicide because I though she was going to do it. I ended up being so upset about it that the person on the hot line asks me how I was doing and tried to calm me down!
Well I then fell for that for awhile. And one day she called me at work and said she took all these pills to kill herself with and I said why do you keep calling me to tell me this, what can I do about it, call 911. I get home and she was fine… but super pissed at me because I didn’t care. I am sure I got hit for that or something.

The weird and stupid thing is that twice I was away from her as in we broke up, but then she was cool and I would go back to her or forgive her. So I got to see first hand what these other women did as I was doing the same exact thing.
Now this type of life was starting to get to me. I was getting sick from worry and a stomach ulcer was starting. I was now living with her alone in a small trailer home in Arizona. Her and me in this small freakin house alone together.
This is now after much drama like her killing my cat, the only thing in my life that was important to me and she knew it. She told me my cat ran away but I know my cat didn’t. That is another story. And the time we went on a trip with other people to Mexico and she chased me with an ax, but thank god one of the girls ran after her and tackled her so she would not catch me… Not to mention the extremely intense ride back from Mexico as now all of us being together in a van for hours trying not to get Jennie upset! Then the time Jennie gave a person her gun that was staying with us at my house. The person was a heroin attic, and she got pissed one night at the bouncer of a club because he would not let her in as she was under age. Now she wanted a gun so she can shoot him! So Jennie gives her, her gun and this girl goes back to the club and hid in the bushed across from the door and waits until the bouncer comes out and then she shoots him!
I do not remember if that bouncer died or not. But I then get upset at Jennie for giving this person who is high and fucked up and angry a gun. Jennie said she didn’t think she was going to really do it. But then… opps …later I get the shit kicked out of me for saying she was stupid to have let her have the gun.

So these are just some of the every day stuff that went on during that time.
Now back to the little trailer we now lived in as this was the start of the end as it was the last place I lived with her. I had bought a book called the Impersonal Life; I think it was published by Devorss & Company, the same ones who published Masters of the Far East. One night I was in our tiny little bed reading it with Jennie lying next to me. Now I was really into this book. It was an amazing point of waking up for me. As you read this book it talks about God and then it says as you reading it, it is you writing it as God, then it says as you are thinking God it is you as God thinking! For one split second that seemed like forever I felt God as me! Then just as fast I was back to Adele’s world. But that experience never left me and my search for what the hell was that am I god?? Anyway now I notice Jennie next to me and I can feel her agitation as I was not in her world. I could feel her anger starting to boil with out even looking at her as her head and eyes were away from me. I thought I have to get out of here; she is going to go off on me any second. I had to figure out how to get out of the bed without showing fear because then she would know I knew what she wanted to do. So I said I have to go pee I’ll be right back. Now the toilet is only like 6 yards away. Two big leaps and your there. However it was located towards the door to exit the trailer. So I go into the bathroom and sit there for a moment knowing that as soon as I get out she is going to beat the crap out of me… And now fear is setting in. And she can smell that. So I push open the bathroom door turn to the right, push open the front door and run full speed with pajamas on. And shit if she isn’t just a few yards away behind me. Now one thing I know is she has a fear of people knowing about her. Like that thing were someone is nice to you in public, but then beats the crap out of you at home… So I run to the road that was just beyond the foliage by the trailer homes. A car was coming just at that moment and I ran out into the street right in front of that car with my arms out waving at them to stop, and in my mind I’d rather get hit by that car than have to face her anger. Amazingly enough Jennie stopped running after me and hid in the foliage just by the road and watched as the car stopped and I just ran to the door and pushed some person over and jumped in and yelled DRIVE NOW! And omg they did! It was a bunch of younger kids driving around getting high and drinking and they thought this was really cool as they were whisking away this unknown person running for there life. And they offer me a joint. Haha funny now. I had them take me to my friends’ house one of the only ones that was not afraid of her and she said I hope she does come for you because I will blow her head off. She lived out side of the city with her husband and was my supervisor at work. But a supper cool friend who did not take crap from anyone. Unlike myself! Shit I was the crap taker. Let me have your shit so I wont see my own. I’d rather be known as the person who cares about shit than the one who stands up to it. Pfff
More to this story but you'll have to buy my book!
and i know lots of typins mis takes


Joseph said...

Damn girl - I didn't even figure this - you never showed any tendancies of abuse - I can't believe that this can happen like that...some person come into your house and that's it - I will NEVER feel sorry for anyone - lol as it's feeling sorry for myself - I better live these words

HereNow said...

Joseph thanks for the comment. I had another experience with abuse when I lived in NYC..That one put me in the hospital with a scared forehead and some chipped teeth.
I did not ever blame them for the abuse because some how I knew I allowed this to happen to me. So I dont have anger at them. Only at me for allowing it. I saw how after the fact how stupid I was and how I let this kind of abuse happen to me.

See at that time I thought feeling sorry for someone was a noble way to be! LOL

Ingrid said...

Hi Adele, wow what a story :)

Like you I always said that women that get abused are stupid cows - why didn't they leave?

hahaha I was in an abusive relationship too (not physical, but in all other ways), and I didn't leave! Every day I got more and more needy of some love from him - the less I got, the more I needed it. After Djoere was born he left and little by little I recovered b this hell. So now I know why these women don't leave :)

David said...

Wow Adele, this was quite shocking. Thanks for sharing. I'd like to read your book one day.

- David

dulcinea said...

oh ... we are definitely one and equal