Saturday, August 16, 2008

Comparison

I had a good realization the other day.
I was reading Venos Structural Resonance and doing SF on comparison. Meaning that we compare ourselves to others by thinking we are either better than another in someway or less than another in someway.
I also was talking about Astrology with a friend and he said that I have this comparison thing in my first house. So very strong influence. And also my tree of life said that I do that.... Well how weird it is that the thing everyone else can see about us that is the most obvious than we can not see at all.
I could not understand what this really meant. I was so natural to me that I didn't even see it.
Well I finally saw it. That my whole life I was comparing me to another trying to define who I was through them and what I saw.
I think it started when my brother was born and I was four years old all of a sudden he got all the attention I didn't understand it so I labeled myself as not good enough. Yet we have been programmed as to what we will experience in this world anyway, and my astrology chart proves it. People don't like to hear that they are a program. They want to think they are special and design there own life... But come on, if you think about it with common sense, why would a person design themselves to suffer? Why would a person design themselves to have a miserable life or be sick.

Well anyway back to my life of comparing. Here is what I remember from High School. This is a clip from the book I am writing:

I was not an “A” student or a B more like a “C” student. I was not the prettiest girl, I did love Gym class, and I got into into trouble.
My wrong crowed continued, but hell I had fun! Or did I? Fun came with drinking. The rest was horrible actually. I was always comparing myself to others. By looking for people who I might have been prettier than by looking for people that were considered prettier then me, by me. I guess I was the one that made that decision now that I think about it. Really, now that I think about it, I decided what qualities or looks that I thought were an asset or not. If I did not like a persons looks in some way or another, I was glad that was not me. Then I would see things in others that I thought was beautiful… but that I did not have or thought I did not have and I would be depressed and felt ugly compared to them.
So I see now that I never even had a definition of myself really. Because one moment I was good enough and the next I wasn't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as the polarity of There is better than me and less than me and that I define myself as not good enough to be loved any more because I was not noticed anymore. ( this is in regard to when my brother was born)
SO I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not good enough.
So then I looked for others that I can say I was better then so I would look at how others looked and if I thought they were prettier I felt like I was better than them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me in polarity as better than.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge all the pretty girls in high school as better than me because they got alot of attention from others as they were considered beautiful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than when My gym teacher accused me of skipping school. I felt shame and anger at her for judging me
I forgive myself that I became angry at her and myself and that I accepted and allowed this judgment within me and thought that was who I was.. I felt less than others.
I forgive myself that i defined myself through comparison of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and belief that who I am is a comparison to another
I forgive myself that I comare anyone to anyone as a Judgement of the polarity of "better than" or Less than:
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I forgive myself that I have accaepted aND aloowed myself to beliecve that I could be better than an other
I forgive myself that I havae accepted and allowed myself to define myself in the polarity of being better than an other there for manifesting the polarity of being less than another.

2 comments:

cassandra said...

Yeah!!!!!!!!!!! I enjoy hearing the word 'Forgive" I read this Blog out loud, and alone with self. I heard my own voice speak, Forgive, forgive, forgive, Ahhhh! pretty me, forgive, pretty you.

Dace Jaunzeme said...

is shame feelig i am bad for you? cause shame isn't anything uncomfortable to me. it can be also feeling you're ok /enjoying yourself and feeling shame. is shame feeling I am bad /I am wrong for you? they are two things that can stick together, but they are two things. shame is in your head and feeling i am bad is in your belly and they stick together, but they are two things so i'd rather say i felt i am bad (that is in belly) and i felt shame(it is in head) or i felt i am ok/i enjoyed myself and i felt shame(locus the same) let me know if you can see the same ;)