Inside the Human - a WOW

Comparison

I had a good realization the other day.
I was reading Venos Structural Resonance and doing SF on comparison. Meaning that we compare ourselves to others by thinking we are either better than another in someway or less than another in someway.
I also was talking about Astrology with a friend and he said that I have this comparison thing in my first house. So very strong influence. And also my tree of life said that I do that.... Well how weird it is that the thing everyone else can see about us that is the most obvious than we can not see at all.
I could not understand what this really meant. I was so natural to me that I didn't even see it.
Well I finally saw it. That my whole life I was comparing me to another trying to define who I was through them and what I saw.
I think it started when my brother was born and I was four years old all of a sudden he got all the attention I didn't understand it so I labeled myself as not good enough. Yet we have been programmed as to what we will experience in this world anyway, and my astrology chart proves it. People don't like to hear that they are a program. They want to think they are special and design there own life... But come on, if you think about it with common sense, why would a person design themselves to suffer? Why would a person design themselves to have a miserable life or be sick.

Well anyway back to my life of comparing. Here is what I remember from High School. This is a clip from the book I am writing:

I was not an “A” student or a B more like a “C” student. I was not the prettiest girl, I did love Gym class, and I got into into trouble.
My wrong crowed continued, but hell I had fun! Or did I? Fun came with drinking. The rest was horrible actually. I was always comparing myself to others. By looking for people who I might have been prettier than by looking for people that were considered prettier then me, by me. I guess I was the one that made that decision now that I think about it. Really, now that I think about it, I decided what qualities or looks that I thought were an asset or not. If I did not like a persons looks in some way or another, I was glad that was not me. Then I would see things in others that I thought was beautiful… but that I did not have or thought I did not have and I would be depressed and felt ugly compared to them.
So I see now that I never even had a definition of myself really. Because one moment I was good enough and the next I wasn't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me as the polarity of There is better than me and less than me and that I define myself as not good enough to be loved any more because I was not noticed anymore. ( this is in regard to when my brother was born)
SO I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not good enough.
So then I looked for others that I can say I was better then so I would look at how others looked and if I thought they were prettier I felt like I was better than them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me in polarity as better than.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge all the pretty girls in high school as better than me because they got alot of attention from others as they were considered beautiful

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel less than when My gym teacher accused me of skipping school. I felt shame and anger at her for judging me
I forgive myself that I became angry at her and myself and that I accepted and allowed this judgment within me and thought that was who I was.. I felt less than others.
I forgive myself that i defined myself through comparison of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and belief that who I am is a comparison to another
I forgive myself that I comare anyone to anyone as a Judgement of the polarity of "better than" or Less than:
--------------------------------------
I forgive myself that I have accaepted aND aloowed myself to beliecve that I could be better than an other
I forgive myself that I havae accepted and allowed myself to define myself in the polarity of being better than an other there for manifesting the polarity of being less than another.

Purpose and Value another triangle

value and importance/worth
= purpose

I was digging around with the purpose thing again
as I wanted to understand it.
Whats is the purpose of purpose !

So this is how that conversation went.

I notice that all my thoughts seem to have the starting point of a
purpose.
I felt like giving up purpose was giving up life.
So if I let go of purpose I let go of everything I ever thought I was here for.
"Purpose" If I had a purpose I would be "noticed", acknowledge, "someone" would approve of me. Someone would have value for
ME.

Ahh we are looking for value,
That is why purpose is never enough, it has to keep moving, motivating, because our starting point is purpose.. we want our

VALUE

TO INCREASE so we will be " WORTH MORE".

Thus we can never be happy for fulfilled because we are looking for value. And since value is not a constant, not stable we can not hold onto it.

Life is it only purpose.

So why have we make the purpose thing so hard and stressful.
The thing with value is it has a "worth"
People say "whats is value, what is it worth"

So we are always looking for ways to make ourself "valuable' to another .
If we didn't place or seek a value on ourselfs we wouldn't be afraid of
losing it.

Some of the things we place value on are
________________
our loved ones
money
our looks
house
friends
pets
cloth
our body

Now value also includes the opposite of no value or little value.
Like in my case I felt I was not worthy, I had little value, no
purpose but still comparing myself to value.

What if nothing had no Value! It would HAVE NO PURPOSE!

You want value
You want to be VALIDATED
Value is the greatest enslaver

So what if we didn't have value
Would we still be worthy?
Worthy of what??

A BIG FAT KISS from some "imaginary GOD, higher being or some
spiritual something that we are always trying to please.
And this takes the form of anyone one or thing we think is better than us.

WE HAVE VALUING WHAT VALIDATES US!
LOL

What If WE GAVE OUR OWN SELF VALUE AND WORTH TO

OURSELF!

We are the Value that we have been seeking!

Stop looking for value in anything what so ever
looking for=separation from

What if we gave our own self value
We VALIDATE OURSELF

If our starting point for SELF EXPRESSION came from SELF VALUE

we

would not need to be validated.

So to stopping the "looking" and just be your own value.

With self value, not value outside of youself
we would be
constant
stable
have worth
need nothing from another
no need to please another
If you have any movement from HERE you are looking for value

instead of being it

So if we are SELF Value we don't need a purpose
_________________

Triangle
seeking value and importance
= purpose

The End!
lol

PURPOSE and Process

Yesterday I was very frustrated. So I started writing it out. It turned into a self pity thing as I was writing. Then I start asking myself questions as this works really well for me. So this is part of the way the process went.
This is me trying to figuar it out. I am not posting the whole thing cause it was just a pity party.

....See I dont know if it the guit that is the problem or that this is become a habit that is the problem or that there is even a problem to begin with as I am just making it up because one of my things is self pity..
Ohh boy what a mess..
And right now I SEE.. it is because I do anything to avoid being HERE.

Okay Adele get real!! (now I start yelling at myself lol)
YOU DONT LIKE ANYTHING THAT YOU "HAVE" TO DO!!! FOR YOU YOURSELF!! BECAUSE YOU DONT SEE A PURPOSE FOR YOU. IF YOU CANT MAKE UP SOME REASON TO HAVE A PURPOSE THAT YOU "LIKE" YOU HATE IT. IF IT IS SOMETHING YOU HATE TO DO. YOU HATE TO DO IT AND WONT UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE.

SHIT i CAN NOT LIVE OR MOVE WITH OUT A PURPOSE THAT I MAKE UP THAT FEELS GOOD TO ME.
SO MY PURPOSE HAS TO FEEL GOOD. MAKE ME FEEL GOOD

SO IS MY LIFE ABOUT FEELING GOOD? YES ISNT THAT WHAT LIFE IS? SO THEN THERE IS THE POLARITY OF FEELING GOOD AND NOT FEELING GOOD.
SO THEN WHAT DO WE .......
OH SHIT...SO THEN WHAT DO WE JUDGE AS A GOOD LIFE? SO DOES LIFE HAVE TO BE JUDGED AS GOOD OR BAD? FEELING GOOD OR BAD. IS THAT HOW I JUDGE ME AS LIFE?

YES...I JUDGE ME AS LIFE AS GOOD OR BAD...

wow ... you have to see it for YOURSELF.. That is what that means no one can tell you anything. the secret is right in front of your face. the truth is right in front of your face ...polarity polarity!!!

LOL Can it be that simple?!!! I WAS JUDGING LIFE AS GOOD OR BAD! I WAS JUDGING ME AS LIFE AS GOOD OR BAD..LOL EVERY MOMENT WAS BEING JUDGED AS GOOD=HAPPY OR BAD=NOT HAPPY
WOW
THAT EASY THAT SIMPLE ===POLARITY!!
LOL
EVEN THE INFINITY SYMBOL IS POLARITY GOOD AND BAD AS TIME IS REALLY GOOD AND BAD IN ANUS VISION (Anu is the symbol of the NATURE of US) AS HE KNEW CREATION HAD A BEGINNING=GOOD AND END = BAD.....=TIME ..


SO HE DEVISED A WAY WITH THE INFINITY SYMBOL TO KEEP THE BAD =END OF TIME FROM HAPPENING.. [i]THUS CREATED THE CONTINUAL LOOP OF GOOD AND BAD THAT IS TIME[/i] ...BECAUSE THE CREATION HAD THE STARTING POINT OF BEING/GOOD WHICH HAD TO INCLUDED BAD...JUST FROM THE IDEA THAT SOMETHING IS CONSIDERED GOOD.!!!
SOOOO IF WE STOP THIS IDEA OF GOOD AND BAD...GUESS WHAT!

SHIT I FIGURED OUT THE FUCKING PURPOSE CRAP. ALL=DOWN TO ME AND MY FEELING OF GOOD OR BAD AND DEFINING MYSELF AS THAT AS LIFE.

So my trinity as life was made up of the idea of good /bad = life
happy/not happy= life


Well I got a bit excited with this
as I

REAL EYES THE NATURE OF ME IN REGARDS TO PURPOSE.

The purpose, pre pose. The pose I had was I Am The Living manifestation Of Good/happy and Bad/unhappy

So I see this now. Its my birthday
:) lol
Now I have to walk