Friday, September 10, 2010

Extensive self judgment again

Written on 9-5-10
I have been experiencing extensive self judgment again
I say again because I thought I had stopped - but it is showing its head again as a fear of not being accepted by who ever I think I need to prove myself to. I am working on it with the SRA and am finding extensive memories where I have allowed the idea that I must prove myself to devastate me when I believed that was not fulfilled. And now I see that I am living in fear of this idea- the need to have approval of someone and of course it is never enough- I can get it then I want more - it is a really fucked up addiction to energy.
I am really tired of it- and it is manifesting physically the tiredness-

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use approval to direct my life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want what is best for all in this world but my actions to support this behind it is the wanting to be approved of.

I realized in my being that Desteni message is 100% of common sense and logically I see it clearly- but my self-movement starting point is to be approved of by Desteni. Well- hmm not even really Desteni -but it is about a self worth issue for myself! Ah I want to prove my self worth and thus has made Desteni the point where I may be able to do this meaning- using the idea of “what is best for all” as a dishonest point-though in my being I know it has to be so and I want it to be so- I do not like the fuck-upness of this reality- but my starting point is still in self interest in that the fucking ego is wanting to make my effort “grandiose” so to speak. I am still not “clean” with this as I see I am still addicted to the energy of doing good- doing bad = seeking approval for “good behavior”.
Damm it- I forgive myself that I am a fucked up mess of addition to energy of approval.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my existence to become one of seeking approval to fulfill me.
I forgive myself that I can not and have not lived my life for no approval at all.
I see now that I do things for the approval of others- or some imaginary unseen thing in my mind that will approve of me. I am seeking Self-approval! The imaginary thing is ME! I am seeking my own approval and have manifested it as “others” of authority.

Hmm… Why would not I give me approval- ah- because it is impossible because it is separation. Self-acceptance. I accept myself…

Even writing these words in the secret mind I just saw me imagining how this would be perceived by those who read it and hoping this writing to be approved of- what will they think? Will they see how hard I am trying? Will “they” understand me?

I am truly ashamed of myself.
I think for me I will just push to assist with spreading the message, as I believe there is probably no hope for me to honestly quit this energy fucked up addiction. And when I die I will no longer be- but I can die knowing I tried and contributed to spreading the message to stop participation in the MCS and live what is best for ALL.

Maybe now I can just do what is right- as approval or not- it is plainly just the right thing to do. No polarity needed.
I stop trying
I stop looking
I start Being
I start Doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in polarity as judgments of good and bad
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a self-judgment of doing/being good or bad and thus within that I have been living in fear and constant comparison within my actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to stop this addiction of self-judgment in me
I want to purify this- I want to be empty- I want to let go of the fear

Fear of being Wrong just came up. Ahhh Hard to do SRA for fear of doing it wrong fear of judgment for not doing it right yadee yadee yadee - same old shit.

PS stay tuned- A cool thing emerged- I saw the birth of this believe!
Will post it later.

1 comment:

Valentin Rozman said...

Very nice Adele, thanks for sharing!