defining ourselves

How would we be if we did not define our selfs. I noticed when I woke up this morning, well as I became aware that I was not sleeping anymore you know when things are still groggy as it feels like quatom thoughts like they are all happing at the same time and then the mind wants to interpret them. It is the same as waking up and remembering your dream, but I do not have abstract dreams much anymore, I wake up with thoughts just like the day is continuing from the previous day. Its like I wake up talking to myself. And this morning I was thinking gee what a good time to script my day, just as I am waking up in a dream like time. So I said to myself..today I will be productive..and then I realized that I had to define the word productive. So I defined it as not having feelings of guilt for the day. And what that pertains to me at the moment is, I have 3 things that I want to do a day. One is to write everyday here on my blog, two is to write my book which I have great resistance for some reason, and three to respond to posts on the open forum. Actually I have resistance to all of these. And as I searched for reasons why I would have resistance ... umm one just came up now, and that was, "people judging my writing" and what I have to say. I would want people to like it and would not want any confrontations. So this is really a stupid reason, because my whole life I had fantasies about writing a book about my life! But I would never start it. And now I have people that are urging me too and even saying it is one of my biggest transcending points!

Well ha ha, I got off the subject of "what if we did not define our selfs?"
Or did I?? Anyway, If we had no definition of ourself or our life we would be free. But this freedom is scary to people because if they didn't have a mind definition of them selves they feel they would become nothing and the ego can not take that. So anyway think about who you would be with out defining your self, you can start by listing what you think you are. Okay I am going to do that also. Till next time. :-)

Some SF

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am sick
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath thus causing lung problems
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breath
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am tired and not embrace life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was sick and had mono as a kid
I forgive myself that I live in the mind and prgrastinate all thing s that are good for me
I for give myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself with life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the believe in procrastination
I for give myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of life and to believe it is sad and horrible
I forgive myself that I always want life to be easy and I look for the easy way out that I do not push for the things that are good for me meaning supporting life and everyone .
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not suport my body thus by my thinking and believing in the mind my body is sick
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate everything I have to do and look at all I have to as a nucense and a bother
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself and to judge myself constantly insead of celebrating life and being greatful
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly judge myself, which is just the mind program
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the mind program telling me I am not good enough
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the mind telling me nothing is good enough
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the mind as who I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the mind as defining who I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so judgmental with myself, when that is not who I am but it is a mind program meant to enslave mankind
I now stand up to the mind.
What the mind says is only a program and not who I am.
I will stop this repedative pattern that is so obvious that we do not even notice it.
I now stand up to the mind
Procrastination and judgment are not who I am, it is only a mind program and not who I am
I now stand up to the program and Live Life aways.

I forgive myself that i HAVE ACCEPTED AND ALLOWED myself to believe that there are good days and then there are bad days
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jerked around by the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belive that I can be jerked around by the mind system tell me there are good days and bad, thus causing judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait until my life turns into a crisis before I will take care of things that support me as life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not relaxed and get stress over self movement

Moving movement

I am excited about the move I an going to make. Very interesting. I knew the loss of my job was life pushing me. And as I prepare to leave Portland, a city I really like...but not my destine, I have gotten rid of many things that I have been holding on to as in things and system dreams. I am down to about 3 books (shit I had many!) and I sold my car I had for 20yrs! And my bed, it wont fit in the van lol. I am moving back with my brother, which I have had fear about, but I am confident it is a transformation process
As I think he is my only tie left as the "family construct" and a chance to stand up to my own beliefs about this. And the way it is unfolding is interesting....it is all just falling into place...Example, I have 2 cars a Van and a small dodge colt that I brought bran new in 1988...I have been having a hard time to let this car go but knew I had too as I can not have 2 cars anymore. And just the other day someone came out of the blue and wanted to buy it! I had no adds up yet.
Interesting physical movement = within self movement.
So today I load up the van and tomorrow I am on my way, and then...who knows! Life knows!

Understanding Self Hate

I started writing my book again yesterday. And I wrote how I felt responsible for killing my dog. I put that post under self assistance...
All I have been doing is crying on and off since yesterday. Now this huge overwhelm feeling of sadness and regret and sorrow is coming up...I am feeling so tired of myself..and I know it is not me..It is the mind that I am soo tired of. I have been hiding for so long from my real expressions.. pretending to be something that I am not. Pretending to be a certain way so I can be approved by someone. Even "trying" to fit to the desteni crowd.. it is exhausting battle with this mind stuff. I am so hard on myself and I judge myself constantly..I had not idea how much I do that to myself. It like I can not leave myself alone from judgment. And because I judge myself I judge others so every where I look or be is some form of judgment..even it is a positive judgment... it is still a judgment. Bernard said that I have alot of remorse that I have not sorted out.
Remorse : a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs.

And I see now that this is about the guilt that I had towards myself. I never had any respect for me. I never respected me.. I was the most horrible to myself..I had very little respect for my life, so I abused me. I put myself down, I need be told by someone else I was Olay..but then I do not believe them, I almost hate it when they say it.. So I would search for the admiration to me and then reject it. And that was what my whole life was about ..All of it. That was my only motivation to live..
I can relate to Marylin M now,,and why she wanted me to write about this...
That search for respect and admiration and refusal to accept it. What a sad life..I was so close to killing myself with drugs and alcohol so many times... some times I think that maybe I did kill myself and I am just living in this mind loop. Because I don't understand how many close calls I had and I am still here... or am I? Well I am still here in with what I have accepted and allowed of myself..
It is funny when you write like this , it just seems to flow and write it self.
So right now I am in remorse....omg...how could I why did I hate me so much? Was it a design that I accepted? Can this remorse ever go away for real? With it just not being an avoidance from the mind? Because that has been what it was. Mind diversion techniques, and I would think I am okay, then underneath with my actions I realy wasn't okay. The your okay from the mind is a diversion from self to see what you are creating. And the pain of self hatred is covered up by drugs and alcohol. I was young then and didnt understand this. I had no idea that , that was why I "partyed" like that all the time. It was just what me and my gang did. But I do remember that feeling of angzity and fear of wanting to fit in.. Be accepted.
Thank you.